ptsd I Need To Retire But Can't

[coastie72]

Just two weeks back I was elated that my MH C&P for MDD/PTSD awarded me 50% on top of my 10% for Tinnitus. The extra money is great to start putting back, but as you all know it don't cure the problems. Since then I have had 5-6 terrible days with suicide constantly on my mind. At 64 I have reached a point where almost ANY confrontation or stress causes me to spin out of control. For many years I suppressed my inner self and learned on my own to cope. I no longer can do that like I once did. My conditions, the tinnitus, depression, lack of sleep have all gotten worse. The only thing that has stayed sort of constant are my PTSD dreams.

I don't have any retirement to speak of just a small amount in a 401K. I was terminated from my job in 2011 and used most of what I had saved while out of work for 10 months. I then worked on another job for 6 months before being terminated again....God was good and I found the job I am currently in in a week. So like many I am trying to work as long as I can, at least until age 66, 20 months away before drawing SS. The fact is I don't think I can last that long. Every day is getting harder for me to go to work and I live in constant fear of losing my job. Very seldom do I have a good work day and it will catch up with me sooner or later. I am in outside sales so I get away with more than I should.

I know I can appeal for an increase, but I honestly don't feel I can handle the stress of trying. Even If I got an increase It would not be enough for me to retire on. So I feel pretty hopeless and keep seeing myself worth more dead than alive. The only reason I am still here is my wife......

Apparently you must have to attempt suicide to get that 70% rating? I have told my social worker that I would never attempt it.....I would make sure I succeeded! I don't know what they want because I KNOW I am 100% suicidal and have talked about on every visit. Then I am asked that question, are you going to harm yourself today?.....If I say yes they will keep me, ain't happening.

Any way I look at it I am screwed. If I lose my job, I'm done. I am already feeling pressure about my frequent VA visits, it might just be in my mind because I worry about everything.

Wednesday of last week I emailed my MH team on myhealthyvet while I was in the midst of a terrible night. I got a call the next day from a different MH Dr. that is supposedly over the team that I have been seeing. He told me that he would be taking over for my Social Worker at her request? We got along fine?

I'm just tired of it all and want it to end.

All I am asking is for prayer because I need it.

[brokensoldier244th]

The paperwork itself is not that bad, just documenting the medical stuff- THAT sucks. Ive adopted a Berta strategy of making mine look like project proposals. Cover sheet, ToContents, Footnotes....its a pain, but they are pretty beautiful to look at when im done *lol*

[ArNG11]

I feel for you as I am going through a similar situation. Mine is a little complex as I am dealing with the VA and federal workers compensation. Soon it will be three agencies with me in their sights when I apply for SSDI. I don't want to retire myself but Ive come to terms with the fact that I can't go on the way I've been. I won't make it. Not for the lack of trying. So I'm in the process of retiring at age 40 and I hate it. But I've had a good ride and I realized that I still have a responsibility to my wife and children. Their my mission now and I'm not leaving my post. As tempting as it is to just give up I understand completely how desperate it can seem. However, I know I've worked enough credits to collect ssdi. I know that I have some income from my disability from the VA. I also know that eventually I will get federal workers comp to accept all my cases and adjudicate them properly. The waiting and uncertainty is a real downer but you must go on. It will get better. Things are not as bad as they could be. It can't rain all the time. Keep fighting. Don't give up! JMHO

[coastie72]

I appreciate the responses, advice and stories. Today was some better than yesterday for me, maybe it was the prayers I don't know. The main thing it was a fairly uneventful work day with little stress. It sometimes don't take much to really set me back.

I don't know why I feel the way I do, I just have such a negative outlook on life in general and I have so many things to be thankful for. I think I suppressed and hid my issues for so long that it finally has caught up with me. I'm wanting to be helped but my mind say's it is not going to happen.

I have no social life,1 friend, a few family members, really no one to talk to and that hurts but its my own doing. I'm not welcome at the Vet Center because I am not a combat vet. Once I was told that it was yet another blow to my nearly non-existent self esteem. I won't go where I am not welcome.

When I first started MH at the VA I was told they would get me help after hours, that has never happened. I am in so much fear of losing my job that I can't make Dr. & SW visits and add group therapy. If I were retired I would be the first in line.

I don't see anything positive on the horizon and my cowardly thoughts just arise at anytime.

I am ashamed of the way I am, why can't I see the light.

Trying to hold on for better times.............

[Pete53]

My husband just got 50% MH rating also and has suicidal thoughts all through his treatment records. But, from what I understand, actual attempts at suicide are not a requirement of 70%. I think so much depends on the Rater you get.

Kate

Kate:

The key to 70% and 100% for MH is he employable. There are even some technicalities on that issue but if he is not working the rater must consider a higher rating.

Good Luck

[brokensoldier244th]

Difficulties in maintaining also counts, it seems, as I have been on pins and needles at work for a year now, barely getting by and constantly getting dinged by performance problems and consistency issues.

CAS

[coastie72]

I am still working, but I am not monitored real close. If I ever am I'm done. Physically I'm alright, just a bum knee, awful hearing and tinnitus that drives me nuts and a few aches and pains. Mentally I'm a wreck about 80% of the time. I do a good job of hiding what is going on inside me, but it's killing me. At the end of my work day I am exhausted from the stress and depression. If I didn't have to have the money I would quit tomorrow, not because I dislike work...work dislikes me.

I made decent money in the past so if I can make it to 66 which I seriously doubt, my SS would be about 2300.00 and there would be no penalty if I was able to do some mediocre job earning over the current 15000.00 limit.

My financial responsibilities dictate that I will have to work earning something even after retirement somehow.

So I am in a catch 22 situation and fighting with the devil almost daily.