ptsd I Need To Retire But Can't

[coastie72]

Just two weeks back I was elated that my MH C&P for MDD/PTSD awarded me 50% on top of my 10% for Tinnitus. The extra money is great to start putting back, but as you all know it don't cure the problems. Since then I have had 5-6 terrible days with suicide constantly on my mind. At 64 I have reached a point where almost ANY confrontation or stress causes me to spin out of control. For many years I suppressed my inner self and learned on my own to cope. I no longer can do that like I once did. My conditions, the tinnitus, depression, lack of sleep have all gotten worse. The only thing that has stayed sort of constant are my PTSD dreams.

I don't have any retirement to speak of just a small amount in a 401K. I was terminated from my job in 2011 and used most of what I had saved while out of work for 10 months. I then worked on another job for 6 months before being terminated again....God was good and I found the job I am currently in in a week. So like many I am trying to work as long as I can, at least until age 66, 20 months away before drawing SS. The fact is I don't think I can last that long. Every day is getting harder for me to go to work and I live in constant fear of losing my job. Very seldom do I have a good work day and it will catch up with me sooner or later. I am in outside sales so I get away with more than I should.

I know I can appeal for an increase, but I honestly don't feel I can handle the stress of trying. Even If I got an increase It would not be enough for me to retire on. So I feel pretty hopeless and keep seeing myself worth more dead than alive. The only reason I am still here is my wife......

Apparently you must have to attempt suicide to get that 70% rating? I have told my social worker that I would never attempt it.....I would make sure I succeeded! I don't know what they want because I KNOW I am 100% suicidal and have talked about on every visit. Then I am asked that question, are you going to harm yourself today?.....If I say yes they will keep me, ain't happening.

Any way I look at it I am screwed. If I lose my job, I'm done. I am already feeling pressure about my frequent VA visits, it might just be in my mind because I worry about everything.

Wednesday of last week I emailed my MH team on myhealthyvet while I was in the midst of a terrible night. I got a call the next day from a different MH Dr. that is supposedly over the team that I have been seeing. He told me that he would be taking over for my Social Worker at her request? We got along fine?

I'm just tired of it all and want it to end.

All I am asking is for prayer because I need it.

[brokensoldier244th]

IT sucks that you are having a down time- im in a similar place in that Im on all sorts of intra-office monitoring and performance plans.Im on pins and needles every day, and I have meetings biweekly with my boss or HR (or both) about how " can they help me....." yet there is no position here that is secluded from customers that pays what I make as an engineer. Im in constant risk of losing my job due to either inconsistent performance or absences. I work with hospital servers and computer systems all over the country via remote desktop. Unfortunately the level of concentration it requires does not work with my flighty short term memory or stress and anxiety reactions. I can empathize with how you feel- its a struggle to get out of bed every morning, but for the money and keeping a house over our heads. Im younger than you, 38.

I mainly wanted to chime in and say that you can get 70% without suicidal ideation- there are other things that fall into the 70% category, your records just have to show the other issues that you are having that fall into that category. Good luck, sailor.

Edited February 17, 2015 by brokensoldier244th

[kate7772]

My husband just got 50% MH rating also and has suicidal thoughts all through his treatment records. But, from what I understand, actual attempts at suicide are not a requirement of 70%. I think so much depends on the Rater you get.

Kate

[Navy04]

Sorry to hear of your hard days, and truly wish you the best. Good luck and keep us posted, as only you can decide what is best for you and your family. God Bless

[TiredCoastie]

From one beat up Coastie to another - you hang in there. God is with you even in the depth of these great valleys. And we're here too.

[rootbeer22]

coastie72:

As the others have said and I agree, please hang in there and take care of yourself. The VA actually has some pretty good counseling if you would like to go that direction and a lot of Vets have been helped by it. Unfortunately, there's a lot of up's and downs but a lot of us Vets whom have been through turbulent times, which gives them a unique understandfing of the problems that we face. There was a time when I was not convinced of counseling but I've come to undestand that it can be very helpful to be around others that are facing some of the same challenges and are able to cope with the tough times. A lot of Vets realise that they are not alone and that other Vets care. At one point in my life, I worked with the Coast Guard and found the people to be top notch and caring of one another,,,,anyway,,,god bless to you...

[broncovet]

If you cant handle the stress of trying for an increase, then have someone do it for you. A spouse, a VSO, an attorney, or a friend..you choose. You can just give em the paperwork and dont check to see how its going.

This will give at least as good a result as doing nothing.
Ask your rep not to contact you until there is a decision. Or, dont even look for a decision, just do something else..get a hobby. Some people do well without "baby sitting" their claim constantly. Sometimes, a watched pot never boils.