TO the MOD reviewing before posting: If you believe this would be hijacking, please put in it's own thread. I dont want to hijack and I never intended to go so long. This was not the easiest writing I have done. The thing which helped me the most with my PTSD was knowing I was not "alone" or "crazy". I want to put this out there like others have before me, like a lifeline that someone else out there may be able to relate to and feel "connected" again. Also, I have not been able to figure out how to request access to the OIF/OEF thread for posting, etc. Any help would be greatly appreciated. TIA.
I am new to this site, I have been on another similar site, but soon realized that most of the moderators (while often Vets from long ago) are employees of the VA and often have different "allegiances" at this point in their life. Be that as it may, I would recommend first and foremost that you SEEK HELP FIRST! I know, I know, you have it under control, we all think we do until we don't. I was diagnosed shortly before I retired. I hid in my work, keeping myself going constantly working an average of 60 hours a week while still on active duty as a SNCO. All was "good" until I went on terminal. I had several surgeries back-to-back and could not physically do it anymore. I put in for voluntary retirement since this was the fastest out for me (I was over 20 yrs) and it was approved. I had 105 days of Terminal Leave. This sounds cheesy, but it could easily have become terminal in a literal sense. my last of multiple deployments there to the desert was in '07. I was in SOF after that and most of our work was in other places, we had moved on, sort of. I was around a select group of other guys, most of whom had the same issues as I, also undiagnosed. It masqueraded as us being "cowboys", we made our own rules, blah, blah, blah.
I sustained an injury from a dog attack to my wrist (by my OWN dog, bought to protect my family while deployed in '05) which created residuals and led to an AVM (vascular tumor) in my wrist which I spent 2 years trying to get figured out. When I got it sorted (medevacs, multiple risky surgeries, etc) I could no longer perform my flying duties and I fought tooth-and-nail against separation and won, sort of. I was retrained and moved to an education function for my last 2 years. I found myself surrounded by other military but these were not my brothers, they did not share the same experiences and many had hidden in education & training and never deployed. We had different cultures. They had no "fire", no dedication, etc. from my perspective. They had no understanding of what was "truly important." We spoke different languages.
I began to realize that I was the one who was maybe different, not them. I was always on the knife's edge. Things began to slow down, and that was the true danger. As I sat at home, I had no "mission", I had no perceived altruistic goal which I could put before myself; That is where things started to unravel. All those experiences, feelings thoughts, which I had unknowingly boxed up and filed away began to resurface, All those carefully stored "boxes" started to pop their own lids and things began to crawl out from them. My whole world seemed to come apart.
I sat listlessly around the house, I separated myself from everyone. I shut down. I was and am in pain almost all the time. It wore down my mental barriers and let something dangerous and insidious creep out. I found myself in a fog of memories, self doubt and self loathing. I began to imagine how much better off my family and everyone else I met or came in contact with would be if I was not here. My claims would get processed faster, they would receive help from others who could actually help them instead of being stuck with the angry, broken, useless person I had become seemingly overnight. Unknowingly, I had become my own greatest threat.
Finally, many months later, I impulsively reached out to an 800# and admitted to myself that I could not do it myself anymore, that I would not survive the way I was going. That was 6 months of my life gone and I was fortunate to make it out the other side. It is still a struggle. I rarely leave my property. I am afraid I will hurt someone. I have no flight response left, it is all fight and I WANT to throw myself into it! I want to smash in the head of the guy at the store whom I perceive as rude, obnoxious, or whatever. I know this is not right. Now. Thankfully. I am learning to control my symptoms. I have met others thru WWP and other channels who feel like I do, who are still fighting to get better, like I am.
I began to realize that there are others out there who DO understand how I feel, who have walked this path before me and come out the other side. It does not have to terminate in a dead end, you can come out this, better, stronger and in control. Those realizations have quite possibly saved my life. I see a PTSD Counselor every week now. I am resistant to medications, but I realize that I may need to go that route still. I stay in touch with a few other Vets I have met and try and help myself by helping them. We help each other. Most importantly, I do everything in my power to make sure that neither I nor any other vet I meet with these issues becomes one of the 22 vets each day who take their own life because that is the only control they feel they have over it anymore. We can't afford to lose anyone, anymore. Not when the battles are behind us. Please get in treatment. From personal experience, you cannot just put it behind you and never look back, it doesn't work. By doing that, you are giving up control and giving it to power over you. Get help, please.
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TALON II FE
TO the MOD reviewing before posting: If you believe this would be hijacking, please put in it's own thread. I dont want to hijack and I never intended to go so long. This was not the easiest writing I have done. The thing which helped me the most with my PTSD was knowing I was not "alone" or "crazy". I want to put this out there like others have before me, like a lifeline that someone else out there may be able to relate to and feel "connected" again. Also, I have not been able to figure out how to request access to the OIF/OEF thread for posting, etc. Any help would be greatly appreciated. TIA.
I am new to this site, I have been on another similar site, but soon realized that most of the moderators (while often Vets from long ago) are employees of the VA and often have different "allegiances" at this point in their life. Be that as it may, I would recommend first and foremost that you SEEK HELP FIRST! I know, I know, you have it under control, we all think we do until we don't. I was diagnosed shortly before I retired. I hid in my work, keeping myself going constantly working an average of 60 hours a week while still on active duty as a SNCO. All was "good" until I went on terminal. I had several surgeries back-to-back and could not physically do it anymore. I put in for voluntary retirement since this was the fastest out for me (I was over 20 yrs) and it was approved. I had 105 days of Terminal Leave. This sounds cheesy, but it could easily have become terminal in a literal sense. my last of multiple deployments there to the desert was in '07. I was in SOF after that and most of our work was in other places, we had moved on, sort of. I was around a select group of other guys, most of whom had the same issues as I, also undiagnosed. It masqueraded as us being "cowboys", we made our own rules, blah, blah, blah.
I sustained an injury from a dog attack to my wrist (by my OWN dog, bought to protect my family while deployed in '05) which created residuals and led to an AVM (vascular tumor) in my wrist which I spent 2 years trying to get figured out. When I got it sorted (medevacs, multiple risky surgeries, etc) I could no longer perform my flying duties and I fought tooth-and-nail against separation and won, sort of. I was retrained and moved to an education function for my last 2 years. I found myself surrounded by other military but these were not my brothers, they did not share the same experiences and many had hidden in education & training and never deployed. We had different cultures. They had no "fire", no dedication, etc. from my perspective. They had no understanding of what was "truly important." We spoke different languages.
I began to realize that I was the one who was maybe different, not them. I was always on the knife's edge. Things began to slow down, and that was the true danger. As I sat at home, I had no "mission", I had no perceived altruistic goal which I could put before myself; That is where things started to unravel. All those experiences, feelings thoughts, which I had unknowingly boxed up and filed away began to resurface, All those carefully stored "boxes" started to pop their own lids and things began to crawl out from them. My whole world seemed to come apart.
I sat listlessly around the house, I separated myself from everyone. I shut down. I was and am in pain almost all the time. It wore down my mental barriers and let something dangerous and insidious creep out. I found myself in a fog of memories, self doubt and self loathing. I began to imagine how much better off my family and everyone else I met or came in contact with would be if I was not here. My claims would get processed faster, they would receive help from others who could actually help them instead of being stuck with the angry, broken, useless person I had become seemingly overnight. Unknowingly, I had become my own greatest threat.
Finally, many months later, I impulsively reached out to an 800# and admitted to myself that I could not do it myself anymore, that I would not survive the way I was going. That was 6 months of my life gone and I was fortunate to make it out the other side. It is still a struggle. I rarely leave my property. I am afraid I will hurt someone. I have no flight response left, it is all fight and I WANT to throw myself into it! I want to smash in the head of the guy at the store whom I perceive as rude, obnoxious, or whatever. I know this is not right. Now. Thankfully. I am learning to control my symptoms. I have met others thru WWP and other channels who feel like I do, who are still fighting to get better, like I am.
I began to realize that there are others out there who DO understand how I feel, who have walked this path before me and come out the other side. It does not have to terminate in a dead end, you can come out this, better, stronger and in control. Those realizations have quite possibly saved my life. I see a PTSD Counselor every week now. I am resistant to medications, but I realize that I may need to go that route still. I stay in touch with a few other Vets I have met and try and help myself by helping them. We help each other. Most importantly, I do everything in my power to make sure that neither I nor any other vet I meet with these issues becomes one of the 22 vets each day who take their own life because that is the only control they feel they have over it anymore. We can't afford to lose anyone, anymore. Not when the battles are behind us. Please get in treatment. From personal experience, you cannot just put it behind you and never look back, it doesn't work. By doing that, you are giving up control and giving it to power over you. Get help, please.
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TALON II FE
TO the MOD reviewing before posting: If you believe this would be hijacking, please put in it's own thread. I dont want to hijack and I never intended to go so long. This was not the easiest writin
TALON II FE
Thanks, I think the biggest problem you may have with me is long posts, lol. Too much time on my hands right now, I guess, but I don't think you will see me belittling anyone, not my MO. I try and s
Vync
Talon, This is good information. Excellent. It takes real courage to come forth and help others realize they are not alone and that others have been where they are now. Welcome to Hadit. Good luc
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