Well Dang

[free_spirit_etc]

I checked on the status of my the claim for burial benefits. Got an IRIS back that they had received it and are processing it. Got a call today to let me know they can't find it. I have to send another one.

Poor guy - He couldn't get his teeth fixed (one time dental treatment they lost in the shuffle and never approved), couldn't get his C-file, couldn't get his discharge physical, couldn't get them to acknowledge what his actual claim for cancer was, couldn't get his Service Connection - and now he's still having a heck of a time getting the VA to chip in $600 toward his $10,000 burial.

Free

[Pete53]

Free:

Sorry for the bad experience. My Mom, my Father in Law and Mother in Law had funerals that cost over 10K and mine will be $995 cause I have already arranged it and in my will give everything to my wife no strings attached.

I have seen up close and personal bad behavior from loved ones that no one would have ever expected cause of money and greed.

If my wife dies before I do I plan to have a giant garage sale and anything does not sell allow the kids to take and anything left that they don't want will donate to good will. Sell my house and drive my car to Mexico.

I guess my point is that death is probably the one subject that no one is ready for and people do the strangest things.

[free_spirit_etc]

I agree with your opinion that the funeral directors often take advantage of the sitaution when someone dies.

I disagree that anyone is charged more than the cost for direct creamation is being ripped off.

Funeral directors do make a signifcant amount of money off the grief of the survivors. But funeral directors also make a significant amount of money selling people what they want - which often includes the add ons like visitations, funeral services, caskets, etc.

And I do not agree that people always merely purchase these out of guilt. People purchase them for many reasons.

It often results in a significant bill, as each choice is somehow separately considered - this much for that casket - this much for this many hours of visitation...all seeming somewhat "reasonable" for the purchase of that particular product or service - but a bit hefty when they are all added together.

I don't like the fact that the funeral director's have you choose this and that - and THEN add on all the extras they haven't told you about before you chose this and that (the cost of the obituary, the cost of the car, the cost of many services you have already "received BEFORE you even go visit the funeral home.) As soon as someone dies - you have to pick a funeral home to send them to. They have already performed many "chargeable services" before you go to make the arrangements.

In my case, I ended up with a funeral home that was more expensive that some. We hadn't selected a funeral home at all. The nurse TRIED to talk to my husand about it several days before he died - but he was fighting for his life and did not feel like making plans for the alternative.

Though she kept insisting that it would be better for them to know, for as she told my husband "WHEN you die," - he didn't want to discuss it - and I told her to BACK OFF.

I understood that meant that in the event of his death, I would have to be deciding fairly quickly where to send him - without any time to check that out very fully.

But I also didn't realize HOW quickly. I asked to be able to go check out a couple funeral homes and come back and tell them. I was told I was NOT ALLOWED to leave the hospital until I signed a paper telling them what funeral home to send my husband to. Perhaps I was misinformed. But in the moment, I did not have whatever it would have taken to fight them about it within me.

So I picked a funeral home.

After that - everything was just a whirl. I did go get some sleep. I hadn't slept more than a couple hours at a time by sitting up at his bedside (yes you can sleep sitting up) or on the floor in the waiting room (when one of the nurses wouldn't let me stay at his bedside) for several weeks.

But there were so many decisions to be made -and so many things to be considered that you don't even know will have to be considered until you reach that point.

I know I paid the price for not picking a funeral home in adavance. But I would still pay that price to be able to not make my husband pick a funeral home as he fought for his life or to leave his bedside to check out good deals.

I do beleive they take advantage of the situation and I do believe they overcharge for many things and pad the bill.

Heck! I was even charged I think $250 for "use of the funeral home car" to "deliver flowers" to my home. After the funeral I asked them to take that charge off - since all the flowers went with him to the other funeral home (and were then donated to a local community college for their flower arranging classes) - and I picked up the remaining three plants myself.

But they said even if they didn't deliver the flowers - they used the car for other funeral related purposes.

I DID refuse to pay for one of the obituaries. Obituaries run $100 and up. The funeral home ordered the obituary, but I received the bill for it.($110).

They also ordered an obituary in my husband's home town (where he was buried). The original obituary failed to mention my husband's father. The funeral director placed a corrected obituary in our local paper, but failed to correct it in my husband's home town paper.

A month after my husband died, I received a bill from the funeral home for the other obituary - with a note that they had not included the expense on their bill, and that I was responsible for it.(though the newpaper had billed it TO them).

I called the newspaper and asked when the corrected obituary had been published. They informed me that they had not been notified to publish one.

I wrote to the funeral home and informed them that I had already paid them $7424 (the rest of my expenses were for the hometown funeral home, cemetary, grave marker, etc.) and that I was NOT willing to pay them for publishing an obituray in the hometown of my husband's father, that failed to even mention that he HAD a father. I told them I had paid for all services I had recieved, but I did not think I should be charged for their mistake on the obituary. I sent them a claim form and invited them to file a claim agaisnt my husband's insolvent estate if they chose to.

They sent me a letter aplogizing for trying to bill me for their mistake - and that is the last I heard from them.

So yeah..they do get in there and scramble for every bit they can get - and take advantage of the situation - but I still don't agree that to pay for any more than direct creamation is a total rip-off. It depends on what the survivors feel they need to feel at peace with themselves as far as the "farewell party" goes.

I do see that preplanning can really save some costs. But again, preplanning can have it's downside if it places the survivors in the position where they are uncomfortable with what was arranged.

And, sometimes, as in our case, by the time you realize you might want to "preplan" - it is kind of late in the game, and at a time when making those kinds of decisions would seem like admitting "defeat" at a time where to admit defeat is more horrifying than making arrangements in advance to save a few bucks.

It is not as simple as it looks from the outside.

All things being considered - there are lots of things to consider.

Free

Ruby - cremation is not expensive. Anyone being charged more than $1250 is being ripped off by the funeral director. What costs are all those extra expenses or add-ons, that we purchase out of guilt, such as embalming, calling hrs, casket, etc. Funeral Directors know this and that's why they do it. A direct cremation is the least expensive and shouldn't cost more than $1250 at best.

pr

[KamiKappa B]

Pete,

I like what you said about selling everything off pretty much, and going to Mexico. The memories shared with and of that other person are far more valuable than any material item. And holding on to those items just makes it harder to let go and move on.

I had never given the idea of burial services for myself or any family member much thought until reading this thread. I know that if anything were to happen I at least want to have some idea to what I want to do, or be done. I am an organ donor, so it's good to know that if something were to happen I will be able to (hopefully) be able to provide for someone else.

Free,

I can't imagine how rough it is for you, but I'm sure your husband is smiling down on you impressed withy how well you are handling the situation. There are some people who could care less what the burial arrangements were. It's really not about the dollar amount when it comes down to it. He married a great person with a great heart. Smile, you done good girl!

Kappa

[free_spirit_etc]

It is good that you and your wife were able to make plans that you both (and hopefully everyone else) can live with.

And actually, had my husband HAD a preference, I would have honored that - and stood behind his wishes.

If he WANTED to be creamated. I would have creamated him. If he WANTED to be buried in the National Cemetary, I would have buried him there.

I would have stood beside him in death, as I did when in his life - when he kept telling the nurses that he wanted to be put on life support if it came down to that - and they kept telling me I was not doing my husband any favors by doing that. I told them "I am honoring my husband's wishes." Point blank. Ain't gonna budge from what HE wants, regardless of how wise they thought his decision was.

But he had no preference about his funeral (other than the military rites, the uniform, and the music) - so to me, what the rest of the family wanted came into play.

I will say - it is HARD to save money on ANTHING related to a funeral. I even checked to see if I could get a better deal than the cemetary was giving me on the base for the grave marker. But by the time I would have paid for shipping (for the heavy thing) - I would have come out about the same.

I will have to admit when I was searching for the base for the marker - I ran across a wind chime for creamation ashes and thought - "Dang! I could have stuck him in a windchime for $150! LOL I bet he would have loved that one... And $150 is still high for a dang windchime, even one you can put your husband in).

I love your idea of the yard sale. My husband and I were both big yard sale fans.

My husband and I did discuss the pontential of his death - in respect to making a will, etc. But he usually only discussed his burial in a kidding way. (being stuffed and mounted, being buried on top of President Kennedy, etc.)

When there was no known need to plan - he chose not to plan. When the need to plan was breathing down our necks - he didn't find the thought of planning his own funeral something that he wanted to do.

I honored his choices in life and in death. I made the best choices I could in the areas he hadn't made choices. And though I agree that you can save a lot of money in making those choices in advance, sometimes it just doesn't work out that way - and there are some things that are more important than money.

I will never regret honoring my what my husband needed at the time - nor my intentions to try to make choices that honored his daughter and his father.

And yes, death can make people do the strangest things.

Free

Free:

Sorry for the bad experience. My Mom, my Father in Law and Mother in Law had funerals that cost over 10K and mine will be $995 cause I have already arranged it and in my will give everything to my wife no strings attached.

I have seen up close and personal bad behavior from loved ones that no one would have ever expected cause of money and greed.

If my wife dies before I do I plan to have a giant garage sale and anything does not sell allow the kids to take and anything left that they don't want will donate to good will. Sell my house and drive my car to Mexico.

I guess my point is that death is probably the one subject that no one is ready for and people do the strangest things.

[Josephine]

Free,

I am one of the lucky ones, I still have my husband after 44 years.

How and what I will do if he should be the first to go, I have no

ideal.

Do we bicker at each other like old folks do, You Bet we do.

Sometimes we are ready to kill each other.

Life has a way about doing that to some people.

I think it is called, " Old Age".

You did the right thing in your husbands funeral and the expenses.

If my husband ask me to stick him in a pine box for $100.00 and

stick him in the ground. I would not do this.

I am sorry, but I couldn't carry out those wishes.

Would he do that to me, sometimes, I think he would, but might be

afraid I would come back in another life to get even with him.

I am just like your husband, I do not care to discuss my own death.

I enjoy more of talking about my life.

Realistic No! Just the way that I am.

I know that funeral directors want you to make a dozen decisions when

you least feel like it, but our world moves too fast anyway.

You did just fine and I admire you so much for what you are doing

for your son and with your husbands' claim.

Keep your spirits high.

Always,

Betty

Edited June 8, 2008 by Josephine

[free_spirit_etc]

Kappa - Thanks for your kind words... and I agree that my husband would be proud of me.

In respect to the material things and the letting go an moving on - that is another issue that can look different from the inside than it does from the outside. Grieving is a process that occurs in stages. Our culture seems willing to let someone grieve for about a week. And then it is time to snap out of it.

My husband died February 2007 - and I still haven't gotten rid of many of his possessions. I knew his father wanted his cowboy hat - so I gave it to him last father's day. And I have given away things here and there to people who I think he would have liked to have had them - and people it made me happy to give them to.

And I sold some stuff at a yard sale. But I will probably let go of THINGS bit by bit - in a way that works for me. And I don't plan on letting go of my husband or moving on any time in the near future.

Maybe holding on to so many of his things is a way to hold on to him. I don't know. I am also a packrat to a fault. But even if I am holding on to things as a way to holding on to him - I don't see that as a bad thing.

If holding on to him, or his things, made me miserable - then it might need to pry my fingers loose - and let go.

But actually, holding on makes me very happy. To him AND some of the things. As far as the things go - there are even some things I know who I want to give them to, but just haven't felt ready to yet...maybe because I don't see it as getting rid of his things as much as to be giving THEM this things - and therefore a part of him.

So yeah..maybe I am trying to hold on to every bit of him I can until I am ready to not hold on as much... I don't know.

I never was one of those people who could just pull up a trashcan and start throwing away stuff I didn't need. I always have to find a good home for my stuff. So and so would like such and such...and this little pile I am giving to whoever..

So I guess if I have always considered my own junk to be precious treasures to be bestowed on others - I a consider my husband's junk to be even more precious - as since his death, his junk has become a non-renewable resource.

And as to the letting go thing - I see no reason to let go. Holding on makes me happy. I know there are some people who, if I mention still being in love with my husband think that is "unhealthy." (And I am not referrring to YOU B) - just how people tend to be... They think any sign of holding on is a sign of not moving on.

But my thought is move "on" to where? My first choice in life would be to be in love with my husband and have him being alive...

I no longer get that choice - so I chose plan B - being in love with my husband even though he is dead.

Though I am moving forward - I seem to feel no need to let go or move on.

Loving him makes me happy - point blank! period! I am happier loving him (though he is dead) than many women I know are loving their living husbands.

If holding on or not moving on kept me miserable - then there becomes a point where that is not healthy - where the line is drawn timewise I could not say.

But yeah.. my friends totally respect the place I am - but there are also people ocassionally who get real uncomfortable when I am gushing about how wonderful my husband was and how much I love him.

It doesn't seem to matter to them that it makes me HAPPY to be this way. THey seem to think that holding on to the happiness is also unhealthy - it just doesn't seem to make sense that loving a dead person would be a good thing.

It is not that they want me to be miserable - but I think they could deal with it better if I WAS miserable - than that it STILL makes me so happy. How am I ever going to move on - if I still love him so much.

But my own take on it is - if loving him so much makes me happy - why move on?

Yeah. I might be able to find someone else or something else that would also make me happy. And I imagine I would. But why give up where you are - if you aren't ready to give that up - just to take another trip just to end up right back at where you are.

But then there are other people who DO need to let go, give away, move on - and feel the need to do so very quickly - even more quickly than is "socially appropriate." And people shake their heads at them too. (OMG! They didn't even wait until ____whatever point they thought WOULD have been appropriate to do ___ whatever it was they thought was inappropriate to do).

Widowhood is certainly a different place - and no matter how you move through it - there will be some people who think you did it too quickly and some people who will think you took too long..

But I think most widows move along at their own pace doing what they feel they need to do at the time they feel they need to do it.

People will still look in from the outside - and often think the widow could have done better if they did something differently. And most of these people really do care - and really do want what is best for the widow(er).

But once you reach widowhood - the beat of the drummer changes - and you march to that beat and follow its timing..

Thank you very much for your post. I felt blessed.

Free

Pete,

I like what you said about selling everything off pretty much, and going to Mexico. The memories shared with and of that other person are far more valuable than any material item. And holding on to those items just makes it harder to let go and move on.

I had never given the idea of burial services for myself or any family member much thought until reading this thread. I know that if anything were to happen I at least want to have some idea to what I want to do, or be done. I am an organ donor, so it's good to know that if something were to happen I will be able to (hopefully) be able to provide for someone else.

Free,

I can't imagine how rough it is for you, but I'm sure your husband is smiling down on you impressed withy how well you are handling the situation. There are some people who could care less what the burial arrangements were. It's really not about the dollar amount when it comes down to it. He married a great person with a great heart. Smile, you done good girl!

Kappa