Verbally Assaulting Varo People

[hedgey]

I didn't know how to word the topic, and I don't know if this is the right forum for this, but I need advice and whatever warnings we might need...

My FIL is in a VA nursing home, receiving good care. Hospice is coming in, so you understand that he's in bad shape.

My MIL is a very, very difficult woman, and very blunt and outspoken about her views (usually from far left field). She's quite capable of managing her finances, etc, so the idea of having her declared incompetent probably won't work. She's just not a very nice lady, period.

She has taken it into her head that the Nursing Home is not doing enough for her husband and that they are doping him so they can "eat cake and watch TV". We've been told that she's gotten quite abusive with the staff, but they're used to dealing with abusive elderly people.

She was sweet with the VARO representative when we were there last month, but this coming Monday, when we make the trip to visit, she wants us to take her back over to the VA. She's going to straighten those b******ds out and make them fire all the staff at that nursing home! I told her fine, she could go and file a complaint, but she needs to be polite to the VA people. She told me to keep quiet, not to tell her what to do, etc. She's going to do all the talking, period.

Okay. Fine. Go ahead.

What I'm asking about today is what happens when MIL flips a poop on the VARO staff? What could possibly happen to us if we are with her? She can't drive, so she expects us to take her there. She's a little old lady, but she could give you a black eye - she's very strong.

Man, I'm so glad that we were able to help with Dad's benefits, etc,... and I'm glad if it will help her. But neither DH or I slept at all last night thinking about this...

I'm tired and can't think straight. I keep envisioning the security guards grabbing all three of us because MIL starts calling the VARO staff SOB's or ... well, she has the ability to be very colorful in her speech when she wants.

Any suggestions and/or warnings will be appreciated.

[hedgey]

Thanks for all the support everyone, and the understanding. We've heard "oh, she's your MOTHER, she's ELDERLY, she's HELPLESS... " from everyone except her own family and other people who deal with her (the nursing home staff, her neighbors)

It's been rough. The last time we were down I had to take my husband to the VA mental health clinic in Connecticut because he was just coming apart at the seams. We'd gone without MIL to check on FIL's claim (without MIL - managed to talk her out of going that time) but the VARO rep was so alarmed by my husband's depressed & anxious demeanor that she called down to the MH people and they took him right in. They gave him a small ration of Hydrozapine (sp?) to help him get through it all. Knocked him on his bum so he was sleepy and dopey for the rest of the trip.

I'm going to start another thread about helping MIL further. Thanks again.