ptsd Emergent Need For Advice And Help Vet To Vet

[spike]

I have spoken to many counselors at the VA and it seemingly makes my PTSD issues even worse. I've looked into the Track 1 Program and the PTSD weekly counseling. It has created maritial issues in our relationship. My wife has left me, been gone and said that it's just getting worse. She doesn't know if she can trust someone who is on edge all the time and sometimes just doesn't want to be as social as I once was. Counselor told my wife when your husband (me) gets upset, leave him alone and don't bother him....that created issues as well. My wife leaving has resulted in weight loss of 23 lbs in less than 2 weeks, severe depression and having nightmares with my normal PTSD nightmares. What I am looking is anyone can help give advice to me.

saunderson.usmc@gmail.com

we can then share contact info if you should be so inclined to helping this vet from spiraling even worse.

VA doesn't help worth crap i've been counseling for about a year or so (constant)

[free_spirit_etc]

OMG! That sounds completely horrid! I do think counseling can sometimes be extremely helpful. But it has to be the "right" help - or it really seems to make things worse - where you almost have to get counseling to get over the counseling.

And often - when dealing with past trauma - even if things are helping (toward the end result) they will get much worse before they get better. The old coping skills don't work anymore. And no new ones have been firmly established.

Sometimes - when everything starts spinning out of control for me...I try to retreat to the point where I have influence. Okay...I have NO control over SO MANY things - what CAN I control? Sometimes - if I focus on controlling the things I CAN control - no matter how small those things are - it helps me regain my footing and get my balance back slightly before something whacks me again.

And I know it is so hard on a relationship. You have needs as a person. Your wife has needs as a person. You have needs as a couple. And there isn't enough to go around and meet all the needs at the time. And you wish she could understand you. And she wants to understand you too. But it is hard to understand you at the moment - because she doesn't even understand herself. And she wants you to understand her. And you want to understand her too - but again - it is hard because you don't even understand what is going on for you. (And us women are extremely difficult to understand.) So as much as you love each other - it is so dang hard for both of you and each of you - because there just isn't enough to go around and meet everyone's needs.

Virginia Satir said that unmet needs are like starving dogs in the basement. They get hungrier and hungrier.

So what started out as a SMALL need - if it goes unmet - takes on mountainous proportions.

And it gets so hard to "fix" anything that has occured in the past - when the present has become so unmanageable.

The best advice I could give right now - with what I know - would be take it one day at a time - one hour at a time - or even one minute at a time.

When the past and future are overwhelming - stay as firmly in the present as you can - focusing on just right now - and just what you have influence over.

If your thoughts are out of control - then focus on your actions -- even if you have to start with "I can control my own hand moving." Retreat whatever point you have influence - and then work up. "I can decide where I am going to sit right now." Try to stay in a place where you feel in control of what is going on until you feel like you have regained your balance some. After you have been there awhile... then you can start trying to deal with some of the things that are not as controllable. But if things start spinning - retreat again, to the point where you have influence - until you regain your balance.

Free

I have spoken to many counselors at the VA and it seemingly makes my PTSD issues even worse. I've looked into the Track 1 Program and the PTSD weekly counseling. It has created maritial issues in our relationship. My wife has left me, been gone and said that it's just getting worse. She doesn't know if she can trust someone who is on edge all the time and sometimes just doesn't want to be as social as I once was. Counselor told my wife when your husband (me) gets upset, leave him alone and don't bother him....that created issues as well. My wife leaving has resulted in weight loss of 23 lbs in less than 2 weeks, severe depression and having nightmares with my normal PTSD nightmares. What I am looking is anyone can help give advice to me.

saunderson.usmc@gmail.com

we can then share contact info if you should be so inclined to helping this vet from spiraling even worse.

VA doesn't help worth crap i've been counseling for about a year or so (constant)

[spike]

I've had it. The medicine I am on makes me feel worse. My wife has now left me and doesn't even speak to me. She has also told the police that since I suffer from PTSD. They treat me like I am wierd. I feel like just giving up. I love my wife with all my heart. I am going to track I in batavia on monday. I sure hope that they can help me. I had things I spoke to my wife about and opened my soul, now everyone is finding out my most tramatic issues. On top of this, I don't know why I still love my wife. I miss her. I am a male and I'm going to admit that I have now lost a total of 25 lbs, I cry every night. I've grown to hate that I served in the USMC. I hate this. Why can't I be happy. What the hell does someone like me do. My wife Tina was/is my soul mate. Please people. Talk to me. I need some support here. I'm falling into depression, I am tapping down deep to deal with this. I am not suicidal but I am very much hurting inside.

[Pete53]

Spike:

Hang in there. Things will work out. It may look bad but time will help. Can't say anything about your wife but the person who has to get better is you.

Believe it or not but the Counselling will probably help.

You are not the first one to go through this hell but when you get past this you will be a better person.

Pete

[free_spirit_etc]

Spike,

I sure know what it is like to lose a soulmate. But my loss was very different than yours.

I think one thing my husband really helped me understand is how HORRID it is to a man to feel helpless.

They can tolerate pain. They can tolerate suffering. They can tolerate almost anything EXCEPT for feeling helpless. That feeling that something is very broken and they don't know what to do to fix it.

I do believe that though you feel helpless right now - that you will begin to find that you aren't near as helpless as you feel.

You are smart. You are strong. You will find out ways to start fixing what need fixed.

It's just hard right now because everything is all out of balance.

Break it down to small chunks if you can.

You can't fix it all overnight no matter how bad you want to.

Retreat to the point you have influence. What is something you CAN fix right now. Start with fixing whatever you CAN fix.

My thoughts are with you,

Free

I've had it. The medicine I am on makes me feel worse. My wife has now left me and doesn't even speak to me. She has also told the police that since I suffer from PTSD. They treat me like I am wierd. I feel like just giving up. I love my wife with all my heart. I am going to track I in batavia on monday. I sure hope that they can help me. I had things I spoke to my wife about and opened my soul, now everyone is finding out my most tramatic issues. On top of this, I don't know why I still love my wife. I miss her. I am a male and I'm going to admit that I have now lost a total of 25 lbs, I cry every night. I've grown to hate that I served in the USMC. I hate this. Why can't I be happy. What the hell does someone like me do. My wife Tina was/is my soul mate. Please people. Talk to me. I need some support here. I'm falling into depression, I am tapping down deep to deal with this. I am not suicidal but I am very much hurting inside.

[Jay Johnson]

Spike,

I cannot sympathize with your problems, but I can sympathize with your wife's. Being the spouse of the veteran with PTSD, I see the same things she is seeing and I have certainly felt the things she feels, but some people are better suited to deal with those problems than others and it takes a certain kind of a person to live with someone with so many issues.

In a perfect world, everyone would "get" this disease and there would be far better support for both of you, but we don't live in such a world, so we must deal with what we have. All you can do is try to survive and cope for as long as you can....either your wife will come around or she will not; either way, it is not YOUR fault.

Again, not everyone is cut out to deal with this stuff and, to be honest, I think most people require some formal training in psychology to properly handle a PTSD vet at 100%.......it seems like every "problem" a PTSD vet has is linked to some deeper meaning and it takes some training (and patience) to figure that out. I know that when my wife lashes out at me, she is not angry at ME; rather, she is venting anger that she has been bottling up, in order to survive, and I'm just the adult in the room when the cork pops.....this is something that many spouses don't get and without understanding it, you cannot possibly live within the confines of a marriage.

I wish you the best my friend, but I fear you'll have to draw strength from elsewhere. Just hold on and get through this rough patch and try to see the light at the end of the tunnel....regardless of what happens, you have time on your side and things will inevitably improve; you just have to hang on until things turn around.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat further....

[Berta]

Spike- some of the Batavia counselors are absolutely great-

I am surprised they didnt suggested for you the PTSD inhouse at Buffalo.

and as you know Canadaigua VA is becoming a reknown treatment center .

You asked for vet to vet input-but as a civilian however -I worked as volunteer in a PTSD combat group and as wife of PTSD vet -I know it can be a contagious disease- meaning the affects are well beyond what the vet struggles with.

The entire family can get PTSD.

Your wife needs help too- if she comes back to you -she should find a support group- I dont know if they still have it but a PTSD vets wife started a support groups for spouses and significant others of PTSD vets here at the Bath VA-

The VA doesn't control it but they did let her use the community room for monthly meetings.There might be something like this available for her near you.

For some reason after dealing with PTSD vets and their spouses too for many many years-I am completely unable to go one to one with them anymore. I actually begin to get flashbacks of the negative parts of my husband's 100% PTSD when I read posts like this and since he is dead I dont want to go there anymore or even get close to remembering what it was like.

But other PTSD spouses will understand your wife and can offer her support- if she returns-

something pushed her over the edge for her to leave you-

whatever that was has to be overcome before your marriage can survive.

Edited August 18, 2007 by Berta