Well Dang

[free_spirit_etc]

I checked on the status of my the claim for burial benefits. Got an IRIS back that they had received it and are processing it. Got a call today to let me know they can't find it. I have to send another one.

Poor guy - He couldn't get his teeth fixed (one time dental treatment they lost in the shuffle and never approved), couldn't get his C-file, couldn't get his discharge physical, couldn't get them to acknowledge what his actual claim for cancer was, couldn't get his Service Connection - and now he's still having a heck of a time getting the VA to chip in $600 toward his $10,000 burial.

Free

[Philip Rogers]

$10k for burial . . . . what were you thinking! jmo

pr

[free_spirit_etc]

Well, I was thinking of trying to bury him in a way that pleased the family - and also dealing with his 37 year old adult daughter who suddenly decided two minutes after he died that she didn't get enough of what she "deserved" (everything he had) and I got more than I "deserved" (anything that "rightfully" belonged to her - which was everything he had - because putting me on the life insurance so I could keep our house meant that he loved me more than her, and proved he didn't love her just like he didn't love her when she was 16 and he didn't buy her the prom dress she wanted..yadayadayada)

I was thrown for a REAL loop on that one because she we had got along FINE until he died - but spent half the night on the phone with her the night he died - with her "Why did my dad love YOU more than ME??" tantrums trying to reassure her that her father wanting to take care of me as his widow didn't mean he didn't love her.

So I went from spending every ounce of energy I had trying to fight for his life, to trying to plan his funeral in a less than supportive environment - which went from me wanting to go to the funeral home and see my options and spend a little time making a decision - to being pressured into making a decision on the spot - (because his daughter didn't want to wait any longer (than 45 minutes) to get things "settled."

So I went from thinking I would get a reasonable casket to getting the top of the line one his daughter thought he "deserved" (and reminded me I "should" pay for - because had he left HER his life insurance SHE would have paid for the nicest one) -and then they wanted to bury him at his home town, where his mother and brother were buried - which was important to his father (whose just buried his wife, my husband's mother five weeks before my husband died. I really like his father - and I can't even imagine burying your wife AND your son in a little over a month)

But that added to the cost for transportation to the place of burial 1 and 1/2 away. AND they wanted a funeral up there too - so that was about $2500 more for the OTHER funeral home - but I still wanted a memorial service HERE - so OUR friends and MY family could come - and as he wasn't going to be buried in a vets cemetary - I had to pay for the vault, and as the cemetary up there has a high water table - it had to be one of the more expensive super duper waterproof vaults (or so I was told) which added about $1800.

So they just gave me figure by figure for THIS end - and then they add $100 for this and $300 for that - which adds up - and I signed the paper, rather than trying to renegotiate on some of it to cut a little here and there - while his daughter was still snitting around and while I was still trying to figure out why she was so mad at me...

And then my husband's father made the arrangements at the OTHER funeral home - at his home town - which were on TOP of that - so it just added up.

My husband, of course, was not willing to make any arrangements for his funeral before he died. He didn't want to consider dying as that distinct of a possibility.

His dad had started pushing me to ask him WHERE he wanted to be buried the last week of his life - but all my husband would say was - Tell him at Arlington Cemetary on top of President Kennedy - and as his dad didn't think it was funny - we dropped that.

The morning of day of his death - when he told me he still had the will to fight, but didn't think he had the strength any more - and asked if he could "go" - I did ask if he wanted to be buried in his uniform or his "I'm mom's favorite' T-shirt B) - and he told me he wanted a military funeral - and the music he wanted - but that was as far as we wanted to take the planning as he prepared to die.

So I guess what I was thinking was what many widows would be thinking if they had spent every drop of energy they had being with their dying husband day and night fighting for his life - being with their husband supporting him every step of the way as he died - and then finding herself having to arrange a funeral for him the following day with other family members who each had certain things they wanted - which all cost certain amounts of money - who wanted things "settled" RIGHT NOW - so probably not as CLEARLY as I might have been thinking if my husband hadn't just died and had I not been being pressured by other family members who ALSO were not thinking clearly.

If I had it to do over - would I make SOME different decisons? - yes. But I still would have wanted a memorial service for our friends down here - and I still would have honored his father's wish to have him buried where his mother and brother are buried, and to have another funeral up there. I may have saved SOME money - but there still would have been some significant costs involved.

So in answer to your question - that's what I was thinking. jmo

Free

$10k for burial . . . . what were you thinking! jmo

pr

[Josephine]

Free,

Bless you, " Dear Friend".

Betty

[free_spirit_etc]

Thank you Betty. Your response is much appreciated....And made me realize I just spent a significant amount of energy "justifying" myself to someone whose comment to my post was - in my opinion - unjustified.

I do not have to explain every reason I made every decision that related to any cost in my husband's funeral and burial in order to secure the seal of approval of my choices from someone else.

And I find any implication that a vet's widow might not have "thought clearly" enough in making decisions that needed to be made to bury her husband - or even imply that a widow should have been thinking clearly the day after her husband died to be somewhat judgemental and disrespectful.

Though I am sure some of the expenses could have been trimmed, had my husband and I spent time preparing for his funeral in advance - I will NEVER regret that we spent EVERY OUNCE of our energy FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE instead, regardless of the position that put me in when we lost the fight.

And I will NEVER regret the extra cost involved to honor his father's wish to take him back home for the burial, to be buried near his mother and his brother.

Though I do regret that some of the costs were the result of others taking unfair advantage of the situation - there is nothing I can do now to go back and change that. I made the BEST choices I could make at the time I made them, in the position and the situation I was in.

I did not ask the VA, or anyone, to pay anything other than what they are required by law to pay. I made the choices I made at the time that I made them, and am willing to pay the cost of those choices.

I DO expect the VA to pay the $600 they are required, by law, to pay. And I am aggravated that I am now required to send in the THIRD application for burial benefits in order for them to do so (if they don't lose this one too).

Thank you for supporting me in my feelings of frustration with the VA at the moment, rather than for judging me for spending too much to bury my husband.

Free

Free,

Bless you, " Dear Friend".

Betty

[ruby]

Free,

I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry you feel you have to defend your actions, you don't. Some people don't understand what it cost now a days for a funeral of any type. Cremation is expensive also.

Being put through my Mom's, Dad's and my brothers funeral with minimal help as no one wanted to do it. You do the best you can under the circumstances.

If you honored your husbands request and you did what you felt was right, then you did the right thing.

Funerals are for the living and not for those that past on. You do what makes you say in the future I don't regret what I did. Sure anything can be done differently in hindsight.

It's the what ifs, or I should have, or I wish I had or I wish I didn't, that's what bothers people. So as long as your ok with what you did no matter what it cost then you did the right thing.

Because I believe funerals are for the living to grieve, I am not preparing my funeral, my daughter will do what makes her feel comfortable and she can live her life knowing its OK. She has to live with those decisions, what she wants is how it will be, therefore, no regrets.

Whatever you did was the right thing for you to do, at that time.

God Bless

Ruby

[Philip Rogers]

Free - apparently you felt the need to justify it because you did. You needn't explain it to me or anyone else. I won't say anymore because you would probably disagree and wouldn't appreciate my thoughts on the subject. I certainly didn't ask to upset you! I appologize, not for my asking but for the way you interpreted my question.

pr