Verbally Assaulting Varo People

[hedgey]

I didn't know how to word the topic, and I don't know if this is the right forum for this, but I need advice and whatever warnings we might need...

My FIL is in a VA nursing home, receiving good care. Hospice is coming in, so you understand that he's in bad shape.

My MIL is a very, very difficult woman, and very blunt and outspoken about her views (usually from far left field). She's quite capable of managing her finances, etc, so the idea of having her declared incompetent probably won't work. She's just not a very nice lady, period.

She has taken it into her head that the Nursing Home is not doing enough for her husband and that they are doping him so they can "eat cake and watch TV". We've been told that she's gotten quite abusive with the staff, but they're used to dealing with abusive elderly people.

She was sweet with the VARO representative when we were there last month, but this coming Monday, when we make the trip to visit, she wants us to take her back over to the VA. She's going to straighten those b******ds out and make them fire all the staff at that nursing home! I told her fine, she could go and file a complaint, but she needs to be polite to the VA people. She told me to keep quiet, not to tell her what to do, etc. She's going to do all the talking, period.

Okay. Fine. Go ahead.

What I'm asking about today is what happens when MIL flips a poop on the VARO staff? What could possibly happen to us if we are with her? She can't drive, so she expects us to take her there. She's a little old lady, but she could give you a black eye - she's very strong.

Man, I'm so glad that we were able to help with Dad's benefits, etc,... and I'm glad if it will help her. But neither DH or I slept at all last night thinking about this...

I'm tired and can't think straight. I keep envisioning the security guards grabbing all three of us because MIL starts calling the VARO staff SOB's or ... well, she has the ability to be very colorful in her speech when she wants.

Any suggestions and/or warnings will be appreciated.

[john999]

Gee, sounds like my mother. I don't think the VA will do anything to you just because you are with her. If she threatens them she will probably be escorted out the door. If she were to assault some person at the VARO she gets arrested. I sort of wish I was there to see her let them have it. Does she have mental problems? I think if she gets really out of hand they will call VA police to stand by. Just don't get involved if she gets herself arrested. You can bail her out later.

[hedgey]

Hi John,

She doesn't have any mental health problems diagnosed because she is never wrong about anything and can't possibly be ill. Nothing wrong with her, how could it even be suggested??

We worry about what will happen to her. She's taking care of everything in the house & the finances and has been for years. But since FIL has been in nursing home she's been dropping hints about being helpless and has flat out told us that we need to move down and live with her to help her out (rather than being ungrateful monsters).

It's a relief to think that we can stand back and not be grabbed if she goes into a tirade. If they arrest her or detain her, I don't know what we'll do. My poor DH is sick over this. He's afraid the state will say he's obligated to care for her if she says she needs help (though she'll throw out anyone who doesn't meet her perfection standards).

I'm just stressing because I know that going home is really hard for him, there's a million triggers and a whole lot of them come out of her mouth.

[Papa]

Hedge- John gave you excellent advice. She sounds just like my mother, when she was getting ready to have major heart surgery years back, she was telling this heart surgeon how to do his job. She has an 8th grade education. You do not want to ask her about anything she has no tact whatsoever, I get that from her, must be a Harlan County, Kentucky thing. We are not going to change them now, so just stay back and bail her out later, or you could let her stay a few nights in jail, so you and your wife can get some peace and a good nights sleep.

Papa

[hedgey]

Papa,

Maybe we're related? My MIL had to quit school in 8th grade to help with all the other little ones at home. Even so, she knows more than any Harvard educated doctor, that's a fact.

Lol, if she gets arrested, we might never see her again except for on the news. "Elderly woman arraigned today for biting VA security guard", then "Biting Granny hit with more charges after kicking jail guards and telling judge to go to hell". Then "Granny with a grudge sentenced to 10 years for inciting a riot at the county lock-up when the sponge cake served at dinner was, in her words, "too dry and obviously baked by her daughter-in-law... it must be poisoned!!!"

I wonder how she'll look in an orange jumpsuit?

Sorry, I needed to laugh. Hysteria will find a way out...

[jbasser]

Papa,

Maybe we're related? My MIL had to quit school in 8th grade to help with all the other little ones at home. Even so, she knows more than any Harvard educated doctor, that's a fact.

Lol, if she gets arrested, we might never see her again except for on the news. "Elderly woman arraigned today for biting VA security guard", then "Biting Granny hit with more charges after kicking jail guards and telling judge to go to hell". Then "Granny with a grudge sentenced to 10 years for inciting a riot at the county lock-up when the sponge cake served at dinner was, in her words, "too dry and obviously baked by her daughter-in-law... it must be poisoned!!!"

I wonder how she'll look in an orange jumpsuit?

Sorry, I needed to laugh. Hysteria will find a way out...

Before she goes to the VA you should sit her down and explain it like this:

The VARO is a US Government entity that answers to no one. They commonly diss government officials and Judges without regard.

They have their own police force (Not Security Guards)

Any threatning or unruly behavior will also be magnified by the law and one is the Patriot Act which enhances the penalties for actions, Especially if one does it on Federal Property.

These People do not care what shape, condition, Age a person is.

That is the bottom line so tell her to be extremely good.

[hedgey]

Before she goes to the VA you should sit her down and explain it like this:

The VARO is a US Government entity that answers to no one. They commonly diss government officials and Judges without regard.

They have their own police force (Not Security Guards)

Any threatning or unruly behavior will also be magnified by the law and one is the Patriot Act which enhances the penalties for actions, Especially if one does it on Federal Property.

These People do not care what shape, condition, Age a person is.

That is the bottom line so tell her to be extremely good.

Your words are so similar to the ones I used with her, except for the Police Force vs. Security Guards. She is unimpressed.

She will be, if she won't listen to us. She also has a foreign accent, I wonder if that will make things more interesting?

I only care about my spouse and I being caught up in it. I'm seriously considering just dropping her at the front door and telling that we'll watch for her from the parking lot. It's very stressful for me to go into a VA facility at the best of times, I'm getting sick to my stomach thinking about having to do it and try to control her at the same time.