Life After 100% Service Connection

[82airborne]

Well now that my claim is finished I'm trying to discharge my student loans so my credit will get better. The vocational rehab guy keep telling me about school. I might as well go to the prison and ask them to enroll MEE. At this point me and people do not mix. Also I don't want to commit to anything. Before I do anything I need to get my health together. I'm pretty much bleeding from time to time out of both ends. Yes. Old doc say my liver point is up most likely to being a alcoholic when I was in my twenties. I been avoiding all contact with unknown people. All I really want. It is not money for school but I just want my credit to get right where I can get a home loan then I pretty much want to disappear to the suburbs of California. Education I can read books. I have no desire to be around people. I walk with a cane every day. I see people looking at me then turning they head when i look they way. But not to stray from what I'm saying I put in for a school loan discharge so I will attempt on letting YALL know how it helps my credit if it do. So this is where I'm at now still going to the psych and medical doctors at the va. So my main goal is to pretty much disappear but not disappear from society.

[Loose Cannon]

82,

It's definitely a daily battle that I can very well relate to. PTSD sucks. Trying to deal with it sucks more. What's even more troubling is that so many people in the civilian sector just don't understand. Some are jealous that we are 100% and think we have made up our condition for monetary benefits. Each trip out in public is test of my patience. It has gotten so bad that it's just not worth the trouble and too much of a hassle.

I still attend my VA doc appointments and take the meds they prescribe but the feelings just don't get better. Every time some A-hole provokes me, I want to cringe. I've never been violent to anyone but am afraid someday if the wrong person pushes my buttons to much, all the anger will come out.

So, like you, I have resigned myself mostly to my immediate family. I just don't want any more confrontations! I guess they call what we experience "feelings of withdrawal"...but honestly, I prefer it. Just want to spend time with my dogs and other animals. I have a rottie and i call him my PTSD dog. Best friend in the world! He is very protective of me and seems to know just what I'm feeling if that makes sense. He has no formal service dog training but I swear, you'd never know it.

Why am I writing all this? Because I'm at a crossroad and torn in two directions. One says to keep fighting and try to get back to the "old me " of years ago. The other says, screw it...just buy a large piece of land someplace in the country away from the craziness of people and just live my life. Why continue struggling to fit in to today's morally bankrupt society where people just don't get me.

I have an upcoming appt. with my doc soon. About ready to tell the doc I've decided, like you, to disappear from society and start my life new somewhere else. I know this sounds horrible, but I wish I had lost a leg or something in Iraq. Anything but PTSD! Not looking for pity. Just want to show you that you are not alone in what you're feeling. I hear you brother loud & clear.

LC

[82airborne]

Yeah my feelings almost copy yours. I just want to exist no problems. People think you are playing until you blow up on them. To tell the truth I'm glad to be 100% but far as the way I feel inside my head the numbness anger anti social and horrible images. I am still not happy. My happy place seems to be in the middle of no where very limited people but millions of animals no noise rude drivers just peace and quiet. One thing is I am extremely glad that claim process is over the actual anticipation of the outcome is enough to drive anyone into major depression man only if I can really talk about my time since I got out the army what I been up to GOOOD lord. Only reason I even see people is because I have to. I spend the majorities of my days inside of my bedroom TRUTHLY with no desires of coming out. Only reason I leave my room is to use the restroom eat and health appointments and maybe fishing once a month. They tell me to get out the house be social but how can you be social when you are around people all you have is menacing thoughts THATS wrong but funny at the same time. THANX LOOSE CANNON FOR SHARING YOUR SITUATION BELIEVE ME I FELT AND UNDERSTOOD EVERY WORD. :-)

[carlie]

82,

Get out and see your kid as much as possible.

jmo

[Loose Cannon]

See what I mean? It's so difficult for others to get it. No disrespect intended to Carlie as she 's simply trying to help.

But many suffering with PTSD just don't feel much like visiting others, going to malls, the zoo, or much of anything for that matter.

At the risk of other's taking my opinion the wrong way (happens often so @&$ it!), I'm gonna press "post" anyway.

LC

[82airborne]

82,

Get out and see your kid as much as possible.

jmo

I live with her and her mother I been with my child since she was a baby

[82airborne]

See what I mean? It's so difficult for others to get it. No disrespect intended to Carlie as she 's simply trying to help.

But many suffering with PTSD just don't feel much like visiting others, going to malls, the zoo, or much of anything for that matter.

At the risk of other's taking my opinion the wrong way (happens often so @&$ it!), I'm gonna press "post" anyway.

LC

Yeah I really don't want to visit anybody. I have to admit if me and my daughters mother had split up I don't know what me and my daughter relationship would be like. I guess THATS why I just stayed and hung in there.