ptsd Mental Health Over Filled

[my3jcc]

I haven't been on this site since about a month ago. I was suicidal and wanted to lash out. Since then the people around me that I had learned to trust has violated that trust. I went to my va psychiatrist to get help...I also called the hotline and ended up hanging up on him (I don't know why...all I can say it's a matter of trusting who really knows what to do.) I'm tired of explaining how or what I'm feeling. It's not a matter of what I'm feeling...it's a matter of how out of control my head/brain/thinking is. If it's quiet-there's a loud buzzing sound in my head. I turn on the radio and/or tv so that I won't hear it. I get so angry. Just excuse my jibber and let me let you know who I am. I am a u.s. army veteran and have been diagnosed from the va psychiatrist with PTSD in 2003 I did not file for compensation until 4 years later, Feb 2007, and was notified just a few weeks ago 70%PTSD. The va counselor insisted that I sign a few forms (Unemployability and Vocab Rehab???) I really don't care about all this. What I care about is my life...my anger. I hate living like this. It's very hard for me to even think of setting foot out of my front door without my insides turning upside down. I had a trigger 4 days ago (more disturbing than all the others) sent me reaching out because I felt like hurting someone (instead I went out to the parking lot with a bucket of paint and starting smearing profanity words all over the persons vehicle---haha this was about 2:30am). I warned him I'll kill him in his sleep. I really wish I could but I'm too caring. I've been on line hunting someone down planning his accidental death. I've told this to the va psychiatrist friday and wanted to be locked up/put away...but was told the mental facility is consisted of two wards and overbooked. It was suggested that I get a hotel room away from the stressor/trigger and get better food than what the the facility could ever offer. What? It's not about the food or getting away...it's about pain and how I'm planning to self medicate (with killing or be killed).

Can anybody tell me how they survived this craziness (if it happened to you??) After the military I joined the civilian police force (training was very hard to get through-cadre thought I was out of control or maybe weak/crazy/emotionally distrubed) They graduated me anyway. Reported for duty intoxicated (this time I let it be known) confronted innocent people then had an altercation with the luetenant (supervisor) on duty-got in my vehicle and revved up the engine while he was on the sidewalk and scared him. Made me laugh. Aimed straight towards him. haha. I had earlier threw down my weapon I dared him. I was crazy and stupid. But that's what I mean...I don't want to know how far my thoughts will become reality. Guess I don't have to tell you what happened to that so called job (to protect--from me??)

I take flouxetine and buproprion. I was on Aripriprizole (sp?) but my va psychiatrist says I need to feel my feelings so took me off of it earlier this year. Doc explained wanted to put me on as little meds as possible and use the grounding skills taught at Menlo Park, Cali (inpatient 2006). Grounding skills...another temporary power of the mind va solution. Now they want me to return and talk about the trauma in depth because they feel this is best. I can't it's turns my brain into a food processer (maybe that's where all the noise is coming from...haha). Anybody out there that can relate?? please email or comment back. sorry for the blah blah. Take care and God Bless.

my3jcc

[kansasguy]

I had a flash back one night of a stressfull event went to VA to ER. The doctor laughed at me and told me to leave there was nothing wrong. She was very rude and didn't care at all. The same hospital that I am being seen for mental health I was so ticked. Told my doctor about it at my next appointment and the Dr said that was not good that a ER doctor would not take it serious and laugh and tell you to leave. Not sure if the dr still work at ER or not but is she does she need to be FIRED!

[john999]

Go to the VAMC ER and tell them that you are going to kill yourself. They have a duty to admit you. If they won't admit you then sit yourself down and don't move until they arrest you or admit you some place. Then sue the bastards for malpractice. They MUST take care of suicidal vets. They lied to you. They divert vets all the time to private hospitals under fee base.

[my3jcc]

Go to the VAMC ER and tell them that you are going to kill yourself. They have a duty to admit you. If they won't admit you then sit yourself down and don't move until they arrest you or admit you some place. Then sue the bastards for malpractice. They MUST take care of suicidal vets. They lied to you. They divert vets all the time to private hospitals under fee base.

Thanks for the response...I mean it thank you. It's good to know someone is out there...but also a surprise. I see what your saying--that I should go and fight for this. But when does this power trip end with the va?? All I want is a chance...to live normally as can be. But I will give it another try.

[kansasguy]

The doctor on duty that was laughing told me I had to leave the property. she was a a**. But i take my meds now and doing better. Only get like that twice a year.

[carlie]

my3,

Another thing is to tell them that you are in the process

(as you stated in your post) of making plans to kill

someone else.

This is homocidal ideation at it's highest.

Their job then is to admit you under the Baker Act

for your protection and the protection of other's.

You'd have to be very careful doing this though because

the cops could also try to arrest you for conspiracy

to committ murder.

I don't care what mental health service's try to say,

I say PTSD is for life but as Pete53 says the main thing

to try and learn is better ways to respond to stressor's.

We are the ones in control.

jmho,

carlie

[my3jcc]

my3,

Another thing is to tell them that you are in the process

(as you stated in your post) of making plans to kill

someone else.

This is homocidal ideation at it's highest.

Their job then is to admit you under the Baker Act

for your protection and the protection of other's.

You'd have to be very careful doing this though because

the cops could also try to arrest you for conspiracy

to committ murder.

I don't care what mental health service's try to say,

I say PTSD is for life but as Pete53 says the main thing

to try and learn is better ways to respond to stressor's.

We are the ones in control.

jmho,

carlie

Thanks carlie for this info. I feel like I'm cornered into making a decision that could relatively give me more problems to deal with. But I guess that's not the point I should be focusing on. You mentioned "...to try and learn is better ways to respond to stressor's". I'm wanting to know this. What am I not trying that I should be doing? Where else can I go to be in more control of my actions? ER...I think might take care of this present problem but are there other learned areas that could help me after I get out into the real world again?

Thanks had-it,

my3jcc