ptsd Need Suggestions - Care For Elderly Widow Receiving Dic

[hedgey]

My mother-in-law is the 85 year old widow of a WW2 POW, retired military NCO. She has Tricare-for-Life, and receives DIC from the VA.

She's 500 miles from us and a feisty, difficult lady who has no understanding of her son's or my PTSD problems. She wasn't particularly nice to Dad, either, but we were there with him when he passed, so hopefully it helped. I say all this because I need y'all to understand that this lady is very hard for us to be around. She blurts out the most thoughtless things and my DH's therapist has noted and advised him that being around her is super-triggering and toxic.

That all said, she lives alone and has no contact with any of her many family members (they have all failed the test of her standards and she won't have anything to do with them. She has no friends at all. Her only contact with other people is us, her hair dresser, and the man she pays to drive her to shop and mow her lawn.

I have no doubt that she needs psychiatric help, and for a little while she was taking xanax but she has since stopped taking it because she decided her doctor was a quack when he recommended she get counseling.

Anyway.... She's showing signs lately that she is getting senile. She has called 6 times today to thank me for the flowers we sent her last week. She completely forgets that she already called everyday, multiple times. I have stopped answering the phone a few times a day because it upsets me, as she often goes into a diatribe about how her husband left her...

So. What do we do? Does the VA offer any kind of visiting nurse thing? Dad was in a contracted nursing home. We had her doctor fill out the aid & attendance worksheet, but he said she was doing fine. That was last year, can we resubmit it?

That guy she has doing her odd jobs.... he's not always available and she pays him a fortune... I'm talking $200 to drive her to the market (3 miles away, an hour trip tops); $800 to mow her little 1/4 acre lawn. All cash.

She's very healthy otherwise, and walks like a speed walker. The trips to the market are speedy because she knows what she wants and grabs it quick. Mostly food for her cat.

But... if she's slipping mentally (that ship has sailed!) can she still care for herself? And how do we get her to co operate? She doesn't trust doctors, hospitals, etc. Won't let strangers in the house - she even drove off the social worker who was visiting Dad before he died....

Sigh. Where do we start? Do we have to do anything? I can't go talking to people for her, I can't leave my own damn house. DH gets rattled just thinking about going to visit... he needs an ativan just to talk to her on the phone :(

I think I'm mostly rattling on. What has anyone else done? We both have PTSD, I have mobility problems, he might likely have TBI issues.... but she's still his mother.

[john999]

My aunt was a surviving spouse of a WWII vet who died in the line of duty. She got A&A plus his survivor pension. When she started to lose her mind it was a shock to me. Her personality really changed. We could not take care of her at home. She was at an assisted living facility. She really just withdrew into herself. Then she broke her hip and it was not long before she was in a nursing home and became very psychotic. We could not reach her anymore. We would visit to see she was being fed etc. If you are to the point where they need to be committed it is heartbreaking because they think you are tying to get rid of them. You have to do what is right to protect them. Not fun. If this is how it is going to end I hope I just get hit by a beer truck.

John