Life After 100% Service Connection

[82airborne]

Well now that my claim is finished I'm trying to discharge my student loans so my credit will get better. The vocational rehab guy keep telling me about school. I might as well go to the prison and ask them to enroll MEE. At this point me and people do not mix. Also I don't want to commit to anything. Before I do anything I need to get my health together. I'm pretty much bleeding from time to time out of both ends. Yes. Old doc say my liver point is up most likely to being a alcoholic when I was in my twenties. I been avoiding all contact with unknown people. All I really want. It is not money for school but I just want my credit to get right where I can get a home loan then I pretty much want to disappear to the suburbs of California. Education I can read books. I have no desire to be around people. I walk with a cane every day. I see people looking at me then turning they head when i look they way. But not to stray from what I'm saying I put in for a school loan discharge so I will attempt on letting YALL know how it helps my credit if it do. So this is where I'm at now still going to the psych and medical doctors at the va. So my main goal is to pretty much disappear but not disappear from society.

[MRRRR5]

From reading this post and the responses, I can truly say I am very relieved to know I'm not alone in the issues I deal with on a daily basis; several of you hit the nail on the head when you stated that you don't want to deal with anyone other than immediate family, etc., as many outsiders don't understand what the constant pain does to you.

I really appreciate you all for your service and for sharing your stories; may God continue to bless you all and your families.

[82airborne]

One thing I wish for is to be able to go to bed at night and wake up early in the mourning instead of having these stupid dreams dam dam dam. I sleep two to three hours max then I'm getting up using the restroom or smoking a cigarette. I don't know I'm still kind of out of it. I swear if I went to hell I dont think I would know the difference than my regular life or my afterlife. Torment is torment. I just don't understand how one say I can be perfectly fine chasing women then the next moment I'm one scared guy feeling like a pschytzophrenic. OOOH we'll I am trying to go ack TA sleep I just wanted to visit YALL while it's the middle of the night and I'm dreading GOIN back to sleep knowing 100% I Will have another stupid dream nightmare or something. Oooooh well night night

[82airborne]

Ok well I just got a letter from nelnet about discharging my school loans it has been approved. Sooooo let's see how it affects my credit. I almost have my credit score high enough to get a home mortgage loan. My score is between 580-611 depends on which credit reporting company you look at. I started at 480. I been planning to move for some years. So I been working on my credit for the past year in a half. So hopefully I can start looking for a house to buy next month. I'm moving to the suburbs not to far but far enough to make people think before they drive to my house. Really I don't want nobody to visit me. Family friends. Except a small few. I just don't be feeling up to it and being that I stay close to my family they want me to take them here and there. I feel when I drive somebody somewhere that's when it's a chance to get in a car crash. I really pray and wish I can move before I get into it with anybody over here where I'm at. Gosh to have my own backyard a place where nobody could threaten to kick me out. Man I'm going to have every fruit tree I can plant in my backyard. A nice GERMAN Shepard IMMA get as a puppy. We shall grow old together thus will be my final resting place.

Ok now my health is pretty much the same. Pain every day. I'm still waking up in the middle of the night. Carlieee I tried some throat drops they had for dry mouth. They a little tarty they didn't have bioteen. I need to find a different mouth wetter. My mental I feel numb light headed and drowsy just about every day. I have still been in isolation stayin in my room only coming out for the restroom and to eat. I'm still seeing my shrink so that's where I'm at right now. Really I'm a bomb waiting to explode and I don't want that. My only solution is to stay away from people and if I have to mingle amongst people I need to keep it short and sweet. Nightmares pretty much every night. Prazosin I'm up to 8 pills my doc said DONT go more than 9 pills so I might have to up my dose. Truthly it seems like prazosin only works for a week after you up your dose then it's right back to nightmare central. Another thing it's certain people that if I see them instantly turns me into rage. I'm tired of having helicopters and squad cars following me because my target calls the police on me EVERYTIME I chase him. So my only option is to get out of where I'm at away from everybody. As of now I'm done with violence even tho it plagues my mind daily I will not give in to it I will not even put myself into a situation to anger me. So on a brighter note I will pits how my credit was affected after they report my lianas being discharged. Oookaaaay hope everybody gas a wonderful. Weeekend.

[82airborne]

Hello world I have nobody to talk to. My heart is beating a hundred miles per hour. Ok I'm still seeing things in the middle of the night. Another day in the house. Yes feeling like a madman. Prozac I just don't know. It has done anything about crazy thoughts but my relationship with my mom and my gal has improved At times I crave violence. But when I feel this way if I'm in public I will just go sit in my car. I can't help to think I'm the big embarrassment for the family. I can't help myself with talking about my desires. I had one question nobody can really answer. In my head I see everybody that I know that died in a room. I can talk to them at anytime except one. Is these real spirits are just a figment of my imagination. What is right spiritual or logical. At times I believed spirits was talking to me. Ok and when I'm walking or at a place I will hear like a scream or a yell as you know it when I look around nobody is there. I wonder will this madness ever stop. Will I ever desire partying like I once did before. What's crazy is when I'm around people I use violent thoughts to humor me inside my head. It's like a game but sometimes it gets overwhelming sometimes it's funny then sometimes it gets me frustrated. I guess I'm just babbling this is my routine to go to sleep but to tell YALL the truth I been writing this post for about a hour I have calmed down I was feeling amped up dizzy dopped sleepy hyper all at one time but now I've calmed down I feel a whole lot better so I guess I will go to bed now my heart seemed like it has slowed to a reasonable tempo. So I hope I wasn't to graphic but yo trooper need to go to sleep

[82airborne]

Hello world. Something in my back has weakened my back all the way to my toe. Nooooope I can't walk with out a cane and even with that I'm barely walking. My my my. I'm still one dizzy damper. I got about three faithful friends that I be around which is good enough. I been knowing them for at least 15 years. I can't imagine making any new friends yet alone being around so many people and they germs. I found if I don't have any contact with anybody I will go without a cold a year or two. I guess that's why I freak out in hospital settings. OOOH well I'm bed bound for at least a couple more days. I'm waiting to see what my discharged loans do to raise my credit score. My only main goal is to move where I'm at straight to the suburbs. I want together away from lody doddy everybody. Long as I got books internet a little money for gadgets I am fine. I would love to be in my own laboratory experimenting and messing with things. I want a book library wall to wall. My birthday is February 28 I'm turning 40. I'm done with craziness Truthly I thought I would be dead by now but nope I made it. I'm going to try to live a more righteous life. Well that's about it for now. Hope everybody have a nice night. :-)

[Pete53]

Try Voc Regab after they determine you are not employable they will often help you out with stuff to make your wished come true.