ptsd PTSD secondary to MST filed

[Andyman73]

Mailed off my PTSD secondary to MST on Monday.

I don't know where to go from here. My life is falling apart around me. My marriage is on the rocks, my work is suffering. I've been in therapy at my VAMC for 2 years now.  I don't know if I will survive. I got a letter that the VA wants to reduce my back...I can't deal with that, and this...and I'm at my breaking point.

On January 23rd my life changed forever. I had sexual assault reporting and prevention training at work a few days earlier, which triggered my memories. They had been blocked. I had always thought what happened was consensual gay sexual activity...at least that's what that predator had told me he would say if I talked. And that he would kill me and hide my body in the woods.

I have been having memories drown me ever since that time....I have 37!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! years of sexual, child sexual assault, physical assault, domestic violence abuse.....how the crap am I even still alive???????

I know I can't talk about anything that didn't happen during my service years. So that limits me to 4 sexual assaults, 2 by females and 2 by same male predator. The last was a drunk female Sailor while I was on deployment. She tackled me then began assaulting me. She was drunk off her butt, and I was automatically the perpatrator...sober male Marine, versus a drunk female Sailor...who do you think is guilty???

I can't comprehend...37 years of garbage history in the last 10 weeks....I    am   utterly        worthless         

[MikeR]

Andy,

Are you discussing this crime that occurred with the VA? I was a CID Investigator and put lots of rapists in prison when I was active duty. You need real help. 1. You are in crisis. You need to seek real and meaningful help. I am not 100% sure the VA is the place to go, but you might need to let someone there know that you are in crisis. 2. You probably will need an attorney, do you have one?

Kind Regards,

Mike

 

[Andyman73]

Mike,

First off...thank you for responding...crisis....that's putting it mildly....

VA...I've been in therapy there for almost 2 years. I have undiagnosed ptsd, called the hotline and been in therapy ever since. I filed a claim about 5 months after I started therapy, had a really bad C&P exam that just gutted me. That's why the VA...cuz my therapist is one of their top ptsd/mst specialists. I did file a ptsd secondary to mst. I have enough markers to validate this claim.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore...my life I thought I lived was a sham. I have no actual support system. My life growing up kind of  prevented that from taking place. 

What might I need an attorney for??

 Can you PM me?  Or even email?

I have therapy again this afternoon. This is only my 3rd session since these memories came back. But will be the first one since memories of the 2 female sa.  I do plan on talking about the two female assaults.

I wish I had come here and saw your reply sooner. I've been spending all my time on a survivors online community. 

Maybe I'll pm you.

Andy

[sunnyh]

Hi Andy,

I know this post is 10 days old and I hope you're feeling better.

Just wanted to wish you good luck with your claim and say 'hi'.

The psychologist below helps people with PTSD and I thought maybe you'd be interested

in him/his work.

 

 

https://www.amazon.com/Unspoken-Voice-Releases-Restores-Goodness/dp/1556439431/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1492482240&sr=1-3

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 18, 2017 by sunnyh

[Andyman73]

@sunnyh

Well, if I lie and say I'm doing better, would you believe me?

I appreciate you stopping by to say hi.

At this point, not sure I want help, anymore. If the VA doesn't see it, why should I. Sorry, you didn't come over for that. I'm sorry.

[sunnyh]

Oh I'm fine too. Can you believe it? What if I said it takes time for things to blossom

with these damn mst claims? I mean it took me a hundred years to remember what to feel

about not feeling anything and being forced not to feel anything.

Yes, I'm talking in circles, but anyone who knows what it's like to be dehumanized

knows what 'not feeling anything' means.

I do. Do you?

We could at least agree that feeling nothing is something.

Edited April 18, 2017 by sunnyh

[Andyman73]

@sunnyh

Let me ask you this...what would we be feeling if we felt nothing at the same time??? Okay..dumb joke...

Time...yeah...21 years since the last time it happened. My therapist seems to think what I'm going through is real enough. But we know that don't mean bupkis if the VARO says "F-you!" They been telling me that a lot..

It's okay if you talk in circles...dehumanized...yeah. Sounds about right. I do remember how I felt when I got caught trying to stop my pain, and got no help at all. Felt invisible, ignored, worthless...

I've felt nothing for a long time. Now I feel hurt, angry, lost, depressed, anxious, like a dog gone emotional smoothie!