diabetes Spouse Passed Away Before Va Made Decision

[SSGMike.Ivy]

To help out a women whoes husband passed away she had the following question. I know the knowledge of some members here and appreciate the responses. I have been checking for answers for her and do not want to post the wrong information. From my understanding if your receiving VA disability you must have been receiving these benefits for 10 years prior to your death to have them passed on to your spouse. Is this correct?

==============Any her question==================

My beloved husband was rated 90% before he passed away from complications from Type II Diabetes. He had just found out about the Unemployability Claim and had applied before his death. The VA said and I quote "Any pending claims die with the veteran. I'm sorry." My husband proudly served in Vietnam for 2 tours and was in law enforcement for 30 years before PTSD and heart problems forced him to be homebound. I quit my very good job of 20 years to take care for him. I'm so happy I did as my heart breaks now, missing him but now I have almost nothing and I am so deeply depressed I can't even look for work. Can someone please help me? I wrote the DAV but they haven't answered back. Thank you.

[free_spirit_etc]

OMG! I bet that was so traumatic!

In some ways - dying from a terminal illness brings unexpected blessings at the end.

I fought so hard for my husband's life too. Day after day. Though he kept telling him he wanted everything done to save his life - the nurses kept pulling me aside and telling me I wasn't doing my husband any favors by putting him on life support. He never actually had to go on life support - but they didn't like his decision to be put on it if the time came.

They kept badgering me - trying to get me to over-ride his decision.

I can't see how they thought I was not doing my husband any favors. I was honoring HIS wishes - and HIS wishes were to be kept alive (as HE kept TELLING them). It was HIS life - and HIS right to MAKE THAT DECISION.

They kept spouting off about "quality of life.." Who are they to determine that his life had no "quality?" Once again, that was HIS choice to make. And I honored his choice.

I remember one night - after the nurses thought his life had "No quality" - we played the tape of our wedding music - and held hands and talked - and I climbed up with him in the hospital bed - and we held each other.

Of course, I stayed with him in the hospital - so that night - when we went to sleep (him in the hospital bed and me in the recliner) - still holding hands - I said "No matter what tomorrow brings, I am glad we had tonight." He agreed.

The next morning we said "No matter what today brings, we are glad we had yesterday."

To us - every MOMENT we had together was VERY MUCH worth fighting for.

The nurses didn't seem to understand why would you fight so hard to survive a few more days - if you were probably going to die anyway.

I kept telling them - because it is NOT just a few more days - it is THE REST OF HIS LIFE (whatever that may be) that we are fighting for.

If he has one year, one month, one week, one day, one hour, one minute LEFT - it is THE REST OF HIS LIFE - and he DESERVES to have it.

I remember one nurse that came in and said "If he goes on life support - he will spend the last few days of his life unconscious. Is that a "quality" ending of life?"

I said to her -

If the time comes that he would HAVE to go on a respirator - that means if he did NOT go on the respirator - he would die, right?

She said - "Yes."

I said - so then, the last days of his life wouldn't have been spent unconscious - they would have been spent with him telling everyone that he wanted to fight for his life, and everyone telling him that it wasn't worth fighting for. Can you tell me what QUALITY ending THAT would be?"

She looked at me and said "I will never mention it again."

He got to come home a couple days - and then was back in ICU. I even caught one nurse in there trying to talk him out of his full code - behind my back. She was asking him "Do you want tubes stuck down your throat?" (The obvious answer to THAT question would probably be "No.")

I walked in the room and asked what she was trying to do.

She said she had only heard ME say he wanted everything done - but she HAD to hear HIM say it.

Well - I set her straight (somewhat) on that one.

SHE did NOT have to hear HIM say it. It was ON his Living Will - He had said it 7 million times to every doctor, nurse, etc that asked.

But she even told his daughter that *I* kept keeping him full code - but she never heard HIM say it.

She was telling me that if he did not TELL her he didn't want everything done - she would HAVE to take all measures to preserve his life.

But -

1. She was going off duty - so that was an odd time to ask.

2. She was trying to trick him into giving her the answer she wanted (by the "do you want tubes stuck down your throat?" question.

I confronted her about that. Though he had repeatedly told them "Yes. I want everything done." They said they had to ask again and again. But I knew if they could get him to say what they wanted to hear (NO) ONE TIME - they would NEVER ask again.

So I informed her that he was NOT full code by default - he was full code by CHOICE - and we would let them know if he changed his mind, thank you.

The next morning he DID change his mind.

We talked - and he told me he still had the will to fight, but didn't think he had the strength any more. And he asked me if it was alright if he would go.

I told him it was.

He asked if I was sure I would be okay. And I told him I would. I told him, I know where you are going and I know that it is a wonderful place.

And then - the part I consider the real blessing.

He told me - "I'm really happy though. I'm happy that I got to marry you."

And then he touched my nose - and then took my hand and put it on his heart - and let me know he carried his love for me in there. And it was like he GAVE me his heart. And I gave him MY heart to carry with him too.

I was so blessed to be able to have that moment. A moment that people who have someone die in a different way never get.

I will carry that with me always - to know that my husband, on the last day of his life, knowing it would be his last day said "I'm really happy though. I'm happy I got to marry you."

I also believe that both Berta's husband and Kim's husband said that too. If they couldn't say it out loud - they said it in their hearts.

I informed the nurses that we wanted to change my husband's status from full code to "comfort measures only." It was a bit scary for awhile - to make such a decision. But just as I honored my husband's choice to fight for his life with every fiber of my being - I honored his choice to surrender the fight equally as strong.

It was his life. He was my husband. It was his choice. And I honored him.

I applaud all the widows who stood by their husbands every step of the way - even when some of the steps were so damn hard.

Free

Free- those were kind words-

Kim said:

"My husband died in my arms the next day. I tried so hard to save him."

Mine too while I administered CPR-I still see him collapsing when I go into the barn.

[KimB]

I can't express how much all you have said means to me. I feel so bad about even asking about money but my Robert deserves it and I know he wanted me to have it. I believe he knew his time on earth was short and he worried about me being cared for when he left.

I am comforted by the fact that I gave up a good career to stay home with him. He and our daughter and granddaughter were/are my world. If our girls weren't here, I would have gone with him. Hearing about your strength gives me hope. I'm sorry that you have a story to share because it means your love(s) are gone but I thank you for being here.

To the veterans that answered, thank you for everything. I'm crying too hard to say more. I just want you to know how grateful I am that you all took the time to reach out to me.

Hugs,

Kim

[free_spirit_etc]

It has only been a little over a year for me - and much shorter for you (I think Berta has the most seniority on the widow list - heck! Berta was a widow before I was even married!) - and it takes time before the bittersweetness of the memories loses some of the bitter and gains more sweetness. It helps when some of the "could of done's" "Should of done's" and "wish I'd done's" fade more into the background.

One moment I would be blissfully remembering a touching moment - and the next moment I would be berating myself for the time he wanted to go get ice cream and I didn't go along. How could I have MISSED that moment? Or the time I said this to him or that to him. How could I have ruined that moment? Or the times I have missed him so horribly.

I do feel that he is still with me - Love doesn't die - It just changes form. But, as you know - it is not the same as them being HERE.

I still love him tremendously. And I always will. At this point I would say that I am happier with his love for me and my love for him than most women I know whose husband's are still alive. (sad to say).

Some people would take this as a "not good" sign. They think you should "let go - move on - live your life - yadayada"

I am letting go of the pain and holding onto the love. I am moving forward (but maybe not "on"). And I am living my life - the life of a woman who was fully loved by her husband....and is happy enough in that love to not trade it in.

I am not about to go find a living male to make me miserable to prove to people I am "moving on..."

You also have strength and courage - I can tell. How wonderful that you put what you knew was most important first.

I know what you mean by wishing to go along though. Though we did not use "til death do us part" in our wedding vows - We said "completely and forever...." (I told him he was not going to use a little inconvenience like death as an excuse to get out of the commitment ;) ) it was still so very hard to "lose" him -

I remember sitting there that last day saying "You know this is kind of sucky. If there is such a thing as reincarnation - I'll let YOU go first next time... Or maybe we could just go together at the same time, in a plane crash or something... I know, 100's of people would have to die in order for us to do that - but that's their problem; not mine.." ;)

And YES, your Robert DESERVES the money. And YES, he would want you to have it. I see it in post after post here - vets fighting so hard for benefits, not always for themselves, but to make sure their wives and children are taken care of. And Robert deserves it for the price he paid for serving our country. And you deserve it because Robert loved you and does not want you to have to pay any bigger of a price than you have already paid.

I wish for you that this process will go smoothly for you. You have been through enough. And you deserve it. :)

Free

I can't express how much all you have said means to me. I feel so bad about even asking about money but my Robert deserves it and I know he wanted me to have it. I believe he knew his time on earth was short and he worried about me being cared for when he left.

I am comforted by the fact that I gave up a good career to stay home with him. He and our daughter and granddaughter were/are my world. If our girls weren't here, I would have gone with him. Hearing about your strength gives me hope. I'm sorry that you have a story to share because it means your love(s) are gone but I thank you for being here.

To the veterans that answered, thank you for everything. I'm crying too hard to say more. I just want you to know how grateful I am that you all took the time to reach out to me.

Hugs,

Kim

[Berta]

"I feel so bad about even asking about money but my Robert deserves it and I know he wanted me to have it. I believe he knew his time on earth was short and he worried about me being cared for when he left. "

Never feel bad about the benefits that you deserve by law-

I am widow of two veterans-and that made Rod's death even more shocking-he was only 47.

I was even questioned by some idiot 800# rep some time ago- who said you already get DIC -so you dont have the basis for another DIC claim.

This dope failed to understand that the VA had already accepted the basis for this newer claim and even Ron Abrams NVLSP was supportive of it-

I found that VA can be very condescending to us widows and that vet reps try to get us to think they are God-

and people (new friends)suddenly come out of the woodwork if they find out you received any death insurance-etc-

I told the 800 rep they are paid only to answer the phone-and if she really knew anything about my claim or the regs she would be a rater or a DRO and not some telephone clerk-

I got her again the other day and she rattled off my claims status and treated me like I was Queen Elizabeth-

I just hope you dont not have the experiences I did-

it is hard enough to even come to terms with the grief and shock of it all-

so dont feel guilty for asking the VA for what is yours-due to you by his service.and by established VA case law.

One of the last statements to me that Rod made the day he died was that he feared the VA would mess around with my DIC and would kill me too.

[Pete53]

Dear Kim:

First of all my condolences and thanks for being with your Veteran. Often overlooked is the sacrifices that spouses make to support their Veteran and their careers when they are in the Military.

Robert earned those benefits that you are requesting and I know that he wants you to get them. I want my wife to get benefits when I pass.

As far as original copies of Marriage License and Birth Certificates and any other paper work you can take them to any Service Officer and they can copy and authenticate them so you do not have to let them out of your possession.

As far as all the other comments I think that you have gotten good advice.

If you have any more questions please don't hesitate to psot we are here to help anyone who has a claim or is helping a Veteran with a claim.

God Bless you and give you the grace you need to get through your hard time. I am sure that Robert will smile when you get the benefits he earned with his service.

[Josephine]

"I feel so bad about even asking about money but my Robert deserves it and I know he wanted me to have it. I believe he knew his time on earth was short and he worried about me being cared for when he left. "

Never feel bad about the benefits that you deserve by law-

I am widow of two veterans-and that made Rod's death even more shocking-he was only 47.

I was even questioned by some idiot 800# rep some time ago- who said you already get DIC -so you dont have the basis for another DIC claim.

This dope failed to understand that the VA had already accepted the basis for this newer claim and even Ron Abrams NVLSP was supportive of it-

I found that VA can be very condescending to us widows and that vet reps try to get us to think they are God-

and people (new friends)suddenly come out of the woodwork if they find out you received any death insurance-etc-

I told the 800 rep they are paid only to answer the phone-and if she really knew anything about my claim or the regs she would be a rater or a DRO and not some telephone clerk-

I got her again the other day and she rattled off my claims status and treated me like I was Queen Elizabeth-

I just hope you dont not have the experiences I did-

it is hard enough to even come to terms with the grief and shock of it all-

so dont feel guilty for asking the VA for what is yours-due to you by his service.and by established VA case law.

One of the last statements to me that Rod made the day he died was that he feared the VA would mess around with my DIC and would kill me too.

Berta,

Your post makes me cry. I know that Rod would be so proud of

you and I feel that he can see what you are doing.

You have become so much stronger and have endured so much in your

life.

To come on this site every day and listen to us vets whine and gripe

and you take it with as much grace as one can possibly do.

Rod knows that one day you will be wearing a "Golden Halo" for all

that you have done for him and us.

Here is one veteran who owes her life to you and the gang.

I will always be one of the weaker ones.

Bless You,

Betty

Edited March 11, 2008 by Josephine