ptsd Someone Please Help Calm Me Down!

[TANKERJOE0]

HI,EVERYONE I JUST WANTED TO START BY THANKING YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO RESPOND TO MY DIFFERENT POSTS ON HERE.IT HAS BEEN VERY HELPFUL.I AM OBSESSING ABOUT THE UPCOMING C&P EXAMS.I SEE THAT SOME OF YOU YOU ARE LIVING IN FLORIDA.DID YOU GO THROUGH THE CLAIMS PROCESS HERE IN FLORIDA?IF SO HOW HAVE THE C&P EXAMS BEEN AND THE REGIONAL OFFICE IN ST PETE HOW ARE THEY TO DEAL WITH??I HAVE NOTICED SOME SAY SOME STATES ARE WORSE THEN OTHERS AS FAR AS APPROVING OR DENYING CLAIMS AND LOW BALLING THEM.IN YOUR OPINOIN HOW WOULD YOU RATE FLORIDA,ST PETE???.I SERVED IN THE USMC AS A TANK CREWMAN IN THE FIRST GULF WAR.MY TANK HIT A MINE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MINEFIELD AND BLEW OFF THE LEFT SIDE OF THE TANK.I WASNT SURE WETHER WE HAD BEEN SHOT BY SOMETHING OR WHAT HAPPENED.I WASNT SURE IF THE CREW UP IN THE TURRET WERE STILL ALIVE OR NOT.I WAS IMMEDIATELY IN SHOCK.I FELT AS IF I WAS IN A DAZE I GUESS A FOG OF WAR.I YELLED BACK TO THEM AND WAS RELIEVED THEY WERE ALL ALRIGHT.THE TANK SHUT OFF.SO I RESTARTED THE TANK AND TRIED TO GET OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE MINEFIELD BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT MINEFIELDS ARE PREPLOTTED TARGETS FOR ARTILLERY.THE TANK ONLY VEERED TO THE ONE SIDE SENDING US INTO THE UNCLEARED PART OF THE MINEFIELD SO WE STOPPED.THE COMPANY COMMANDER CAME OVER THE RADIOS AND SAID TO LEAVE US THERE AND CONTINUE ON WITH THE MISSION.WHICH STRUCK INSTANT FEAR IN ME TO SAY THE LEAST.THANKS TO THE DISOBEDIANCE OF A FELLOW TANK CREW.THEY CAREFULLY BACKED IN OUR TRACKS INTO THE MINE FIELD TO RESCUE US AS THE TANK WAS RENDERED USELESS.WE HAD TO ABANDON THE TANK.IN THE STATE OF SHOCK I WAS IN I OPENED THE DRIVERS HATCH AND CLIMBED OUT OF THE TANK.NOT THINKING I JUMPED OFF THE SIDE OF THE TANK DIRECTLY INTO THE MINEFIELD TO RUN TO THE OTHER TANK.I THINK, THANKS BE TO GOD I DIDNT LAND ON ANOTHER MINE OR I WOULDNT BE HERE TO FILE ANY CLAIM.ONE OF MY FELLOW MARINES SCREAMED HARVEY WTF ARE YOU DOING?? INSTANTLY THANK GOD I SNAPPED OUT OF IT AND CLIMBED BACK ON THE TANK AND CROSSED OVER FROM ONE TANK TO THE OTHER.WHEN THEY PICKED US UP THEY GOT OUT OF THE MINEFIELD AND LEFT US ON FOOT.WE WERE THE ONLY TROOPS ON FOOT AT THAT TIME AS THE SPEARHEAD OF THE ATTACK WAS ALL ARMORED INFANTRY TANKS AND SUCH.MEAN WHILE ARTILLERY AND MORTARS WERE BEING FIRED ALL AROUND US.TANKS WERE SHOOTING OVER OUR HEADS.I COULDNT TELL WHO WAS SHOOTING WHAT AND FROM WHERE AND DIDNT KNOW IF AT ANY SECOND SOMETHING WAS GONNA HIT ME.I HAVE BEEN SUFFERING FROM SEVERE ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION AND SOCIAL DISORDERS SINCE.AFTER BEING DISCHARGED I STARTED TO SEE MY FAMILY DRS FOR MY SYMPTOMS AND ALL THEY WOULD DO WAS GIVE ME DIFFERENT KINDS OF ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION MEDS.THEY WORKED FROM TIME TO TIME BUT THE THOUGHTS NEVER LEAVE MY MIND.I WAS ALSO IN CONTACT WITH DEAD IRAQI SOLDIERS AND HANDLING THEM.THE SMELL OF DEATH IS UNDESCRIBABLE.I HAVE BEEN COMPLAINING TO MY FAMILY DRS FOR YEARS ABOUT A CHRONIC EXTREME PAIN IN MY LOWER EXTREMITIES FROM MY ELBOWS TO MY FINGER TIPS AND FROM MY KNEES TO MY TOE NAILS.ALL DAY EVERY DAY NEVER BETTER.THE PAIN IS UNBARABLE MOST OF THE TIME.I HAVE EXTREME SHORT AND LONG TERM MEMORY PROBLEMS.WELL TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT.I HAD A VERY BAD ANXIETY ATTACK AT WORK AND LEFT IN A DAZE AND WAS CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE.BUT I COULDN COME TO DO IT BECAUSE I LOVE MY WIFE AND KIDS TOO MUCH.I WAS SEEN THE NEXT DAY BY THE VA MENTAL HEALTH AND WAS INSTANTLY DIAGNOSED WITH PTSD WITH A GAF OF 50.I HAVE TURNED OVER ALL MEDICAL CARE TO THE VA.THEY ARE PRESCRIBING ALL MY MEDS AND SENDING ME TO ALL KINDS OF SPECIALIST AND TESTING AND PHSYC.VISITS.AT THE SAME TIME I DECIDED TO FILE A CLAIM FOR DISABILTY.I AM SOOO MAD I WAITED 17 YRS TO DO IT.BUT I HAVE A PAPER TRAIL OF MEDICAL NOTES FROM NUMEROUS FAM DRS FROM WAY BACK.I AM GETTING WORSE AND WORSE WITH MY SOCIAL DISORDERS.I WONT TAKE THE TRASH OUT IF ANYONE IS OUTSIDE,I PEEK OUT THE GARAGE FIRST.I HAVE LOST ALL INTEREST IN EVERYTHING IN LIFE.I DEFINETLY FEEL AS IF MY LIFE WILL BE CUT SHORT DUE TO MY ILLNESSES.I HAVE A BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH ALL OF MY FAMILY. HAVE PUSHED ANY FRIENDS AWAY I MAY HAVE HAD.AND REALLY WOULD PREFER TO HIBERNATE IN MY BEDROOM ALL DAY AND NEVER LEAVE.I AM ONLY 38 YRS OLD BUT FEEL ABOUT 98.I HAVENT HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE FOR 4YRS NOW.VERY EMBARRASING AND SAD FOR HER.I HAVE CONSTANT ANGRY OUTBURSTS.CANT GET ALONG WITH COWORKERS AND MY BOSS(STEP FATHER) OR THE CUSTOMERS FOR THAT MATTER.I HAVE WALKED OFF ALOT OF JOBS AND REFUSED TO DO THEM.I MISS ALOT OF WORK.I AM CONSTANTLY TIRED AND FATIGUED.IF I GOT 20 HOURS SLEEP I WILL WAKE UP AND FEEL TIRED AND HAVE TO TAKE NAPS.I AM A MOVER BY PROFESSION FOR THE LAST 17 YRS.I HAVE GOT TO THE POINT WHERE I CANT DO THE PHSYICAL LABOR.I HAVE TO BRING EXTRA MEN TO HELP BECAUSE I CANT LIFT ANYMORE.I DO THE PAPER WORK PART.I HAVE INTERMITTEN FLASH BACKS OF THE TANK BLOWING UP OCASSIONALY AT NIGHT.I LIVE IN A CONSTANT STATE OF HIGH ALERT.IM EXTREMLY PARANOID THAT SOMEONE IS GONNA COME IN MY HOME AND HARM MY FAMILY.I OBCESSIVELY EVERY NIGHT CHECK EVERY WINDOW AND DOOR IN THE HOUSE TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE LOCKED AND GO BACK OVER AND OVER TILL I FINALLY STOP MYSELF.I FEEL AS IF IM LOOSING MY MIND.MY MIND IS ALWAYS RACING FROM ONE THOUGHT TO THE NEXT AND THEN THE NEXT AND ON AND ON.I GET MYSELF SO STRESSED OUT I FEEL AS IF IM HYPERVENTILATING,SHORTNESS OF BREATH AND GET DIZZY.I AM WONDERING IF IT SOUNDS LIKE I HAVE A CASE FOR MY PTSD?? I TRULY AM HOPING FOR 100% BUT DONT KNOW IF THAT IS REASONABLE TO EXPECT THE FIRST GO ROUND????ANY KIND WORDS OR REASSURANCE ABOUT THE C& P EXAMS WOULD MEAN SOOO MUCH TO ME.IAM NERVOUS NOT BECAUSE IM LIEING ABOUT ANYTHING.I JUST DONT LIKE THE WAY THEY(VA) MAKE ME FEEL.I FEEL LIKE IM GOING UP ON A MURDER TRIAL AND IM GOING IN FOR AN INTERROGATION???IT HAS ME SOOO WORKED UP THAT I WQAS THROWING UP THIS MORNING AND COULDNT GO TO WORK AGAIN.THANK GOD MY BOSS IS MY STEP FATHER OR I WOULD HAVE BEEN FIRED LONG AGO.BUT EVEN HE IS GETTING SICK AND FRUSTRATED WITH ME.HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND MY SICKNESS??WELL THANKS IN ADVANCE FOR ANYONE WHO RESPONDS.IM SORRY FOR GOING ON AND ON BUT THAT IS ONE OF MY PROBLEMS DEFINETLY CAUSED BY ME MILTARY SERVICE.IN THE MARINES THEY MAKE YOU DO EVERYTHING 10000000 TIMES THAT I THINK ITS MADE ME OBCESSIVE COMPULSIVE ABOUT EVERTHING WICH IS NO FUN EITHER.

TANKERJOE0

[cowgirl]

Tanker, I had written out one reply earlier, but my kiddos and husband had other designs on the electronics around this ole place. So, yes, I own the remotes and wireless whenever possible - I am woman, mom, wife and a career retired airman in cowgirl boots! Ask them, I do get the last word, smiles.

Tanker, as another veteran with mh issues, depression here, I see what you have written is heartfelt and in the moment. I also see the replies here and think of the large family I come from' heck as old as we are, we still step on toes, apologize and then eat together! Felt like that when I got to Hadit, well, 'cept the eatin' part. Someday I will get a new birth certificate and graduate certificate at the same time - for the Hadit Family and Hadit University.

Confession time for me, took me years to get to head docs at the va and I had to find them by myself, had a down day during a normal nurse intake interview and there I was - going to mental health. Couple false starts, I got help and now 2 docs, some small meds, am better in control on behalf of family responsibilities. All because this Hadit family kept and keeps me a'goin. Sure thankfull it ain't over yet, others need aid and va paperwork don' ever seem finished.

I pray all will balance out with you, know we are listening and keeping you, your family in our thoughts, even if we cant reply right away, Cg'up!

[Wings]

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OK, Wait, Gotta put on my flak vest ;-)

Need a little time to process, thinkn' ...

Symptoms sound like classic PTSD (see my signature), but your active-duty service records/documentation/evidence of trauma "stressor" is a must have to win PTSD Claim.

Tanks. Dead bodies. Evidence? Proof? VA says you need proof of stressor.

I don't live in sunny Florida, though my Dad's retired there from the cold Atlantic.

When is your C@P Exam ???

[Guest Vietnam Tanker]

Tankerjoeo, you are getting some excellent advice on this board Army, Marines it makes no difference to the people here at Hadit. As one Tanker to Another, the right thing to do right now is stow the anger and try to relax, it is not an easy thing to do, but you will survive this, after all you survived the war. Take some advice from an old Tank Platoon Sgt. just try to concentrate on your claim and spend as much time as you can with the family to relax you, it will all come to an end. I think you said you are from Jacksonville and going to gainsville for your C&P, the C&P people in Gainsville are pretty darn good and will try to review your claim to the letter of the law. St Pete is slow and very rarely gets it right on the first go around. I wish you luck in your claim and will pray for you and your family. If I can be of any other assistance to you, you can PM me by clicking on my screen name and going to my profile and then click the PM button. Good Luck and be safe brother Veteran Semper Fi .

[jbasser]

so jbasser and wings you have nothing nice to say other then you cant read my post???

i guess i probably wouldnt need your help or advice anyway????? thanks to the 2 who are supportive and took the time to try to read it and give some comfort

tankerjoe0

Marine, I have nothing negative to say either. Personally it was hard for me to read.

Believe me brother, most of us here feel your frustration as we have taken the same steps you have.

The road to a claim is long and filled with pot holes with a few bungee sticks thrown in for good measure.

Vietnam Tanker was correct. Hang in there. You have the best place in Florida to have your Exam.

Hang in there, You will survive this. You can also PM me if you need to. Just click on Basser.

John

Edited December 30, 2008 by jbasser

[sharon]

Mama told me there would be days like this, she just didn't tell me that there would be so many. I know what you are going through. I have PTSD and I am usually a nice person, however, in the throws of the disease, I do and say some things. Understand that it is the nature of PTSD. What I tell people is "It is what it is, and it does what it does." That is why they compensate us for it. Unlike other mental disorders, there are chemical changes in the brain.

I know that if you are having a bad day, no matter how well intended, things get under your skin. Nobody wants to judge you. Understand that sometimes what I said is not what you want to hear. None-the-less, it is all said in LOVE.

I had a crisis a few days ago and was able to get GOOD advise from my comrades at hadit. I am not out of the woods, but I am feeling better today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I do know that I have found a place to vent, express and ask for help.

Keep reaching out for help and keep faith that tomorrow will be a better day.

[Ricky]

Your C&P's should go just fine. As far as your claim your will need to provide verifaction of the stressor for the VA in order to speed up your claim.

I would begin by looking here to see if you might find mention of the incident: http://www.gulflink.osd.mil/declassdocs/marines/19960924/

If not there are other sites that will assist you and I am sure others will chime in with them.

Also of importance would be buddy letters from your crew members; those who came back to get all of you and especially your commander.