ptsd Need Suggestions - Care For Elderly Widow Receiving Dic

[hedgey]

My mother-in-law is the 85 year old widow of a WW2 POW, retired military NCO. She has Tricare-for-Life, and receives DIC from the VA.

She's 500 miles from us and a feisty, difficult lady who has no understanding of her son's or my PTSD problems. She wasn't particularly nice to Dad, either, but we were there with him when he passed, so hopefully it helped. I say all this because I need y'all to understand that this lady is very hard for us to be around. She blurts out the most thoughtless things and my DH's therapist has noted and advised him that being around her is super-triggering and toxic.

That all said, she lives alone and has no contact with any of her many family members (they have all failed the test of her standards and she won't have anything to do with them. She has no friends at all. Her only contact with other people is us, her hair dresser, and the man she pays to drive her to shop and mow her lawn.

I have no doubt that she needs psychiatric help, and for a little while she was taking xanax but she has since stopped taking it because she decided her doctor was a quack when he recommended she get counseling.

Anyway.... She's showing signs lately that she is getting senile. She has called 6 times today to thank me for the flowers we sent her last week. She completely forgets that she already called everyday, multiple times. I have stopped answering the phone a few times a day because it upsets me, as she often goes into a diatribe about how her husband left her...

So. What do we do? Does the VA offer any kind of visiting nurse thing? Dad was in a contracted nursing home. We had her doctor fill out the aid & attendance worksheet, but he said she was doing fine. That was last year, can we resubmit it?

That guy she has doing her odd jobs.... he's not always available and she pays him a fortune... I'm talking $200 to drive her to the market (3 miles away, an hour trip tops); $800 to mow her little 1/4 acre lawn. All cash.

She's very healthy otherwise, and walks like a speed walker. The trips to the market are speedy because she knows what she wants and grabs it quick. Mostly food for her cat.

But... if she's slipping mentally (that ship has sailed!) can she still care for herself? And how do we get her to co operate? She doesn't trust doctors, hospitals, etc. Won't let strangers in the house - she even drove off the social worker who was visiting Dad before he died....

Sigh. Where do we start? Do we have to do anything? I can't go talking to people for her, I can't leave my own damn house. DH gets rattled just thinking about going to visit... he needs an ativan just to talk to her on the phone :(

I think I'm mostly rattling on. What has anyone else done? We both have PTSD, I have mobility problems, he might likely have TBI issues.... but she's still his mother.

[Berta]

Just about every county has an Office of the Aging or Senior Citizens department through their Social Services Programs.

I am sure they could advise you on this serious problem.

I even think AARP might have some suggestions.

A few months ago ,a woman I knew from the local fire department Auxilliary suddenly died of a heart attack. She had some medical problems but the main problem she seemed to be having was severe stress as she had become caretaker for her uncle and aunt.She was in her early 50s, worked 2 jobs and then the rest of her time was spent helping these relatives she had moved in with. Se had very little time to spend with those of us who knew her .

She might well have been neglecting her own health too .Her aunt would call her relentless on her job sometimes asking her the same questions over and over again.The uncle would argue with her.

She had begun to consider lookng into assisted living for them when she died. The aunt's physician ,I understand, was helping with that.

You might even need to contact a lawyer.

I wish I could offer more.

Your Mother in Law might not even be close to being considered senile as it sounds like she has made a whole lifestyle out of being difficult

But "my DH's therapist has noted and advised him that being around her is super-triggering and toxic"

What does your DH's husband's doctor advise him to do about this situation?

[john999]

You can even get an Elder Care Lawyer to help you if the old lady is willing. I took care of three estates of elderly relatives. It was a big job. I did my best but I was not a nursing service. She will get extra money if she is in a nursing home. I am not sure about assisted living.

John

[Pete53]

Sometimes your own well being is more important than trying to help someone who will not cooperate nor is grateful.

Good Luck

[deanbrt]

If you can show she is a danger to herself you can get her committed. It is not easy but better than you taking on the burden. She may need

Title 19 to pay for it.

[john999]

No matter how much they swear to God they will not go to a nursing home when the times comes the old folks go because the family just cannot care for them especially if they are losing their marbles. It is sad but true. If you are not young yourself you cannot care for an who needs a diaper and throws food back in your face. You will end up dead from the strain and the State will send the person to some nursing home where they may languish with no one to look out for them. They may be beaten and starved if there is no one to check on them very frequently.

John

[hedgey]

Thanks for all the replies, ideas & support.

We're heading down there this afternoon. Her private physician is supposed to call me to arrange a house-call tomorrow so we can be present, and hopefully he'll help out at least with the Aid & Attendance form.

My heart is in my throat as I get ready for this trip. There's no telling what she'll be like, and I'm worried sick about how DH will handle things. If she starts needling him or upsetting him, we are out the door.

I feel so sorry for her on one hand because she has driven everyone away except her only son (DH) and the handyman who she pays handsomely (in cash).

On the other hand, she is very devout to a kind of "as it suits her" form of religion and in her belief, if you are sick or suffering, God is punishing you for your sins. Her brother is dying from AO cancer because he must have fooled around. Her husband died in pain and suffering because he wasn't the perfect husband. She has also said that DH got his scars and broken body because God was punishing him for not listening to her about his fiance (she was a tramp, Mom just knew it!).

If she would keep these opinions to herself, it would be tolerable, but she can suddenly be reminded of something and start ranting on about it, or all of it, or stuff we don't know what the heck she's talking about.

Sorry, just anxious. Worst part is that only one of DH or I can take our Ativan because the other has to drive... Grrrr Arrrrgh!!