ptsd Non-Combat Ptsd Mdd Psychotic Features Greenramp

[82airborne]

Sorry

Edited January 30, 2013 by 82airborne

[carlie]

Prozac Prozac Prozac. I have not been angry since that day. I did have the urge to burn myself after about twenty years. It's a craving. I didn't do it. I've learned how to control it. That was the day of my last post. This Prozac pretty much have me like a zombie. From the hydrocodone methocarbamol and Prozac. No thoughts no thoughts. Yeah I needed to talk are vent this out. I'm thinking back on how I use to cut and burn myself. I replaced burning myself with tattoos. It's like a release. That last post I was pretty upset. I've decided just to quit thinking about the va and just let what's gonna be be. I just got to except the life GOD has given me. Of course everybody has they angry days. See I'm going to tell the truth. I've dealt with many crazy crazy years. Where i just went crazy until I had to just pretty much come to the conclusion. Lock myself in the house or go to jail. People trigger my angry side. When I feel threatened that's when danger arises. So if I take people out of the equation I'm fine. Yeah this room gets boring and frustrating but at least I can leave. I remember when I first got out. Somebody said 82nd street I straight left myself glaring in space for a good minute in the middle of the street. I use to cut myself and drink my blood. I wasn't angry mad buti did burn myself so I wouldn't beat people up that angered me. When people make me mad I can actually see myself like a video beating people up. I have lost girlfriends because of me attacking them in my sleep. Just hitting are kicking nothing more. It feels good to be able to write about this stuff. I would be at a party I was invited to. All I can do is sit by myself and watch everybody like a pit bull. I know being broke depresses me more but money means nothing when your minds not right. I want to having a loving relationship with my family. To tell y'all the truth I don't want to be like a zombie on meds either. I think what depresses me most out of everything. Is being ripped of the status of being a VETERAN. SOMETHING FLIPPED IN ME I tried to be a excellent soldier. I don't know. Maybe I need to blame myself instead of the va. Maybe I have psycho in my DNA. I remember this twelve mile road march. Ruck sack medi pack full gear. I ran the whole twelve miles just because I didn't want this sorry sergeant to beat me. Soon as I finished first I passed out from exhaustion I woke up with iv's. The thrill of seeing that green light before a jump. Mre's peanut butter and chocolate was very tasty. But before I get better I think I have to let my anger go towards the va. They are just doing they job like everybody else. I'm just glad that I was able to get SSDi it's no way I could ave continued working I was mentally and physically broke. I have to increase my dose of Prozac in a couple DAYZ. I hope this don't have me to ZOMBIED out. At this point all I can do is pray and have faith in GOD that things get better. Faith shall be my standing. Thank you hadit.com. I have gotten so much information and answers on here over the years to assist me with my claim. Also this place provides me a place to vent. I've read so many people with similar post as I. Who have gone thru hell. I understand I am not alone. What I hope for is just to get healthy. No more dizziness nausea hip leg groin shoulder chest neck spine ringing in the ears anger depression. Well medicare have given me insurance so I can get better. Thank you GOD. Pain management called me and told me that I had marijuana in my system. NOOOO KIDDING. Marijuana controllers my anger. It passes my time away. I remember I was in the food stamp line with my cane. It started to happen. I was turning into the hulk and nobody realized. I started breathing hard my eyes started to tear up. In a wink of a eye I was in raged if anybody had touched me I would've attacked. But I still had my thinking cap on. I asked this young lady to hold my place in line. I went to my car. ROLLED UP A FAT JOINT. TURNED MY MUSICK UP. BLAZED MY BRAINS OUT UNTIL I WAS NUMB. CAME BACK IN LINE SMELLING LIKE A DISPENSERY. JUST LIKE THAT I WAS BACK CALM. well I'm sure I will have a bad day. Where I come on here and rant. I'm just glad I got a place to do it. Like I said this prozac pretty much have me in Ed everyday. I go see my social worker/psych tomorrow I will tell tem about my urge to burn myself. But I'm not doing that no more. So you guys that's into self mutilation you can control it. Just get a tattoo and tell yourself you not going to do it anymore. I knw you want to get use to ain. Make your pain tolerance higher but there s always pain you can never get use to. I used that excuse to. Eventually you just got to stop. Replace it with something else. OOOH well another day has gone by I will work harder to gain my sanity b back. :^}

82nd,

Therapy teaches us and provides us with tools to get thru the rigors, angers, emotional

pains, etc . . . of daily life - but therapy is for life.

I would sure watch myself with the weed.

You go into the food stamp office smelling like weed or SSA

or VA - or get busted and go to jail . . .

your benefits are GONE !

At least air yourself out good - use some mouth wash and body spray if nothing else.

If your going to do it - at least take precautions and use your head.

[82airborne]

Ok carlie I will. In California it's legal i got a medical marijuana card. But you are right. I was just in a moment of rage that day I didn't care about anything. Normally I would wait but I was having a bad panic attack or what ever you want to call it. Over the years that's how I've learned to cope with my anger and pain smoke my brains out until everything calms down. Hopefully the counseling I get at kaiser will get me drug free with therapy. I'm willing to try. Life is just so stressing. Plus that's another way I used not to burn or cut myself. I didn't stop self harm until I started smoking. Drinking just made it worst. I traded bad habits. Now that I realize my destructive behaviors I can start to change and try to fix them. Thanx for the realization of my actions.

[82airborne]

Wow I'm in more pain. This should be illegal how much pain I'm in. I guess my hydrocodone and methocarbamol is wearing out. GOOOD lord. This is crazy. I wonder will I ever get any peace from ths excruciating pain. From my shoulder to my hip. It's either I'm tormented with nightmares or evil thoughts. When I try to think positive and leave my evil mad thoughts to the side pain rears its ugly head. Living a life like this is almost imaginable. I can barely walk. :^{. Ooo oh well. Hello and GOOODMOURNIN hadit.com. I guess me and my gal won't be line dancing for valentine.

[82airborne]

Well it felt good seeing my psychiatrist today. She is pretty easy to talk to. I let her know about my day of rage. We talked. The hardest part is being around all the different people. I just don't like that. Everybody seems like a threat. I can't relax all I can do is play games on my iPad to avoid eye contact with people. She wants me to do group therapy. I SAID NEVAAAAAAAA. I'm cool. I have no interest in meeting new strangers. Truthly my mind drift to a dangerous side when I'm around people. I feel like a shark around a bunch of guppies. I guess it's due to me isolating myself from people for this long time. Plus I'm new to these Prozac my shrink said in 4-6 weeks things should get better far as my concentration and my isolation issues. 4 years just doctors appointments. That's my only contact. Well I went to church for a couple weeks. I felt consumed. People just kept asking me to join they part of the church. Choir usher. Till one day when I went everything seemed fake. Like I was outside looking at people in a glass jar I felt out of place. So I stopped going. Only future enjoyment I see is shark hunting at BELMONT PIER. what I think would make me happy. Is to have my own little house that is all mine where nobody can kick me out. Having a dog that I can play with from time to time. Having a garden. Just being left alone in my little space. Not much contact just family and the few friends who ave stuck by me thru my madness. A HOOOOME IS ALL I REALLY WANT. Enough money to pay my registration have plenty food cigarettes cable maybe a swimming pool. I don't need millions to be happy. I just want a stable place. Something I never had. When I have my attacks in crowded places. What makes me mad and this can be selfish is everybody seems so happy while my life seem screwed. I never made over 8 dollars a hour my years of working. No promotions. Every place I worked. I have blew up hoping somebody would take the bait of my verbal explosions so I old knock them out flat on they face. Why. I am very edukated. I'm a electrician plumber and autocad designer. I would be doing hard core labor while idiots had engineer jobs. It drove me crazy. Now I understand that. My anger outburst Was probably the cause of me never being promoted. I would pick on people just so I could beat them up. I was at work one time. I just took my hard hat and started to bash my face in with the helmet. Pain I loved it. My excuse was. I wanted to raise my pain threshold. After I knocked somebody out I always felt guilty for doing what I did. One day I realized I said hey what if I hit somebody and they hit they head and die on they way down. Then I would be in jail my whole life. That thought right there started my isolation. Stay home are go to jail. I use to pick fights with three to four guys at a time. Once I'm in rage nothing matters. It's do or die. Really when I look at it I have really been isolated for about ten years or a little more. See I was out in the streets I just didn't talk to nobody. It's just been the last four years I just stayed in the house. One thought that prevents me from ever going to work. I know the next boss I have that fire or treat me bad I will knock his face in. I can't take it no longer being treated unfair by bosses especially when my education is far greater. The best thing I have learned to keep me out of trouble is just to stay away from things that anger me. A what's crazy is I can only remember technical numbers and formulas. People forget it names of old friends nope don't remember don't care to remember them. Hugs shaking hands meeting new people not interested. It feels good to be able to get this stuff out of my head. Man oh man I got twenty years of crazy stories. FISHING I WOULD LOVE TO GO. sometimes I wanted to commit myself. That's when I called the VA for mental help. I knew they are professional in dealing with my type of madness. When I look back I feel nothing but guilt for the things and the way I've acted over the years. I'm doing way better than what I was doing if y'all could have met me a year or two ago. I was worried about not getting SSDI because I couldn't work because my back and leg pain. Anger never really stopped me from getting a job. Maybe keeping a job but not getting one. Also that food stamp line was getting to me as well. SORRY IF IM USING THIS AS A DAILY JOURNAL BUT THIS HAS ALLOWED ME A PLACE TO VENT. Plus I can't say this stuff on Facebook. Civilians just don't understand this type of stuff. I figure if I'm committed inpatient I might can detox. I would love to stop smoking weed and cigarettes. PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE HOW SSDI AND MEDICARE CAN HELP A NEWLY DISABLED PERSON. IT CAN ALSO MEAN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH. I WANTED TO DIE LITERALLY BEFORE MY BENEFITS CAME. I WOULD SIT ON MY BALKONY AND KRY ALL BY MYSELF ANGRY TEARS I FELT THE SYSTEM WAS SCREWING ME. NO FAMILY THAT UNDERSTOOD THE MAGNITUDE OF THE ISSUES THAT I WAS DEALING WITH. WELL THAT'S IT FOR NOW. HOPE Y'ALL UNDERSTAND AND NOT JUDGE IM JUST VENTING. NOTHING MORE PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY STORY OUT OF HAND. IM IN THERAPY ON MEDS. NO MEANS OF GOING INTO SOCIETY. SO PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME. UNDERSTAND ME IN MY LONG BATTLE WITH GAINING MY SANITY.

[82airborne]

Well I just wrote a letter to the VA. A LETTER for them to go ahead and decide my claim with the information that they have. Also I'm requesting a decision for hardship. This is driving me crazy waiting and waiting. So. I'm going to just let it be whatever it's going to be. So my letter will be in the mail tomorrow. So let's see what going to happen. Hopefully justice will prevail. If not ooh well. I will have to figure out a plan B.

[82airborne]

Well. I have doubled my dose of PROZAC like my psych told me to do. I have been pretty cool. No anger no side affects. So I'm taking hydrocodone methocarbamol and now 20 mg of Prozak. Only side affect I have is dozyness all day. I see I have been nicer with my family since my Prozac. I haven't had any nightmares lately. I'm still pretty much held up in my house. No contact with the world. So I haven't put anything in my life that will anger me so I really don't know if I will have any anger spells in public. So long story short. I had a MELOW week. Old psych gona work me up To 40 mg of Prozac pretty soon. So let's see what the future hold.