ptsd Psychologist I Have - Read At Own Risk

[carlie]

During the last 6 to 8 months I have had a VA psychologist

that is a resident at the VA - she is not yet a PsyD.

Last week she asked me, if I felt that having a claim with VA to

SC my PTSD, was standing in the way of my treatment.

When she asked me this I just totally shut down, got up

and told her I need to write her a letter and I would see her

again next week, which was today.

This is the letter I gave her today - then did her little VA

questionaire, and left.

I would like to know if other's here have had an experience similar to this

and how it left them feeling.

Thanks,

carlie

During our session today you asked me if I felt my VA claim for Service connection of PTSD was standing in the way of treatment.

I really don't know how to answer or take this question coming from a person that is providing therapy to help me deal with issues of daily living and ways to deal with my mental health problems.

My first feeling was to ask myself, is she trying to bring my anger out because I sure don't want to have this happen here at the VA because I will be the one to end up with more trouble. My next feeling and thought concerned how very long it took me to admit to myself that I had been raped while on active duty.

I would never admit or accept this as I did not have broken bones, wasn't beat to hell, wasn't tied up or ended up in a hospital with blood dripping from anywhere.

It has taken years of therapy for me to admit and accept that just by someone holding me against my wilI and being able to physically force a part of their body into mine - is rape.

All my life I thought like many, many other people. I thought for someone to rape me they would have to kiIl me first. Therapy taught me that wasn't true.

Somehow our last session seems to have destroyed everything I thought I had learned from my PTSD therapy so far. I wiIl let you know this, should I win the lottery and be a millionaire, I will continue with my claim for PTSD to be service connected.

I feel, had this not happened to me while in the army neither I, nor my family would not have to suffer with all of the crap, the fear, nightmares, flashbacks, anger, hate for myself, all and more, from PTSD.

Before all of the PTSD problems began I was a viable citizen.

I was employed, made a decent living and was able to contribute to

society -that is dead and Iam nothing.

It took Dr.Maria Crane, Dr. Shriner and several others a very long time for me to accept this,the true definition of rape.

It took years for me to know why I was always so angry and short with others, why I didn't sleep well, why I always felt like I was fighting the world.

When the ENT at Baypines assaulted me, it took the people above to connect the dots for me as to why I have this PTSD.

I just could not understand inside of my head -just what active duty assaults had to do with the assault from the doctor.

They helped me understand it was a delayed onset of PTSD and that is how active duty assault relates to the doctor, me and PTSD.

VA Disability compensation is paid for injury or Illness caused during military service.

Whether a person needs money or not isn't a factor in granting or denying daims.

I will always stand on the side of fairness and justice.

Edited January 29, 2009 by carlie

[dolfanbls]

My Prayers are with you. I will be praying for healing and wisdom for you and your family.

[ruby]

I commend you for writing the letter. I think I know why she asked that question,. I am proud of you for not going after her and writing things you shouldn't in the letter.

The VA knows that people will not show they are getting better while a claim is in process. (I know this isn't the case with you) she might have be going to say to you that its not

necessary to let an impending claim hinder your progress.

Dr. Shriner recently made a comment to me that I found odd, she was stating how calmier I am now that I have done some work in the programs I attended (its really the meds that are working). I told her that it may be true that I am more focused but I only usually have 3 good days a week. She then said we don't think your cured just getting better than you were a year ago when you first came here.

If I had been asked that question depending on my mood, I would have lit into her and said not seeing you anymore if you think I a faking my condition.

Just like you I worked for 25 yrs with problems not knowing until something else happened that those symptoms were due to an assualt. Thought I dealt with it years ago, but I was sadly mistaken.

If I won a million I would still fight for it. They owe me 30 years of my life.

Take care.

[purple]

(((Carlie)))

You know that I understand where you're coming from in dealing with this. Sadly nothing any VA shrink does shocks me anymore and I'm very sorry that you've also gotten caught up with a horrible VA shrink to even ask a question like that.

I like that letter you wrote to her. Will be interesting if she responds.

The shrink (tdoc) I have won't even talk about my PTSD issues currently...like I've previously said...I think I've scared her when we first met and I briefly told her my story and she read over my records. I could just tell by the look on her face.

Yes....we were productive women of the military....and we were robbed of that. And we are still being robbed to this day, day in and day out...you are being robbed of what is due to you in your claim with the VA and all of us are being robbed adequate care and therapy. It enrages me!!!

Keep fighting...I know you will.

[Wings]

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Carlie, I know you and I aren't the best of friends, because I've said some mean things to you that in a better state of mind, I would have left unspoken. I was angry with you for showing us the depth of your pain, and the violent struggles you endure attempting to control the animal that is PTSD. You mirror me in so many ways ... Today, I threatened bodily harm to another (not my kids), and it it hadn't been for YEARS of therapy, I know I would be locked up and sitting in jail, this very moment, and I'm sober! Somehow (by his grace), I managed to remember that I have PTSD; and even though the anger feels "rightous", I know that it is ultimately wrong for me because my anger is dangerous. When I was fighting for my VA Claim, I did not hide the fact, and told them all, that ONCE THE VA SC'd my Rape Related PTSD, only then will I entertain treatment options. I needed that compensation award just to survive another day. I did not let them make me feel guitly, not one iota. I have written simiar letter to a good shrink-type person, and explained the trust is very fragile, and that treatment and va comp are not mututally exclusive. That I will not risk my compensation at any point in therapy, and they are either in my corner or they are not. I dunnoo if I've helped, but I do agree that the question asked of you today shows some real ignborence on the part of a VA therapist. I hope she gives some real consideration to your words. I respect you and care. ~Wings

[peacecindia]

Carlie,

You've described a reality about rape.

Cindy

Edited January 30, 2009 by peacecindia

[tagandbag]

Hey Carlie, I have had similar experiences within the va, mental health care. I have not been ask that question in particular. Especially at my CP exam and with my PTSD shrink. Sometimes it feels they try to diminish your pain or validity of the circumstances of why you are there in the first place. I personally think my PTSD mental health MD is a quack, in other words full of sh&t and just there for the job security.I actually used some things that PTSD CP examiner said to me as evidence in my appeal. I want to make sure that it is part of my c-file. Godbless, all of the women and men who were traumitized from a rape, while they were in the service or in civilian life. I dont know if I am qualified to comment on the subject of rape, but my intentions are good. We are all in this together and we need to keep fighting for what we deserve. By the way stay warm, up there in Tampa, temp here now is 68, perfect. Later

T&B