Hi Family I Am Hurting

[maset22]

Out of much respect , I have to great all, with hope that you are all doing well. I have pick up this page for the second time to communicate, just so happend on the first time a friend call and broke that cycle for a little while. Oh yea! He made me laugh, a rear moment for me.

To get to the bottom of this, I had an anger flashback at a small street fair we (wife, grandaugter, and myself) all I wanted to do was make some memories with my grand and wife, at this small carnival. In my eyes, the person at the horses ride ripe me off.

I had paid the highest ticket fo for the grandauther to ride unlimited even thou to Her size ant hight. There was nuch much iems she coul rdesp, comming back to the horse carusll, my wife coul not go to hold her with out paying an additional ticket.

That did it for me, this lonely woman that was poking these rules down my trot. Alhoght it was not her fault. I saw HWHY 1 in Saudi and the massacre and good gobe and wanting to put that kind of pain on her.

Anyway it has been just under twoo weeks and I cant live it down, now reality and fabrication plus tiredness hase mase did somewhat scary. Any thoughts family? I don't seen to get better. Nnnnn

My God is first in my life, and I want to pleased. Him. Thanks for listening

[AFMedic09]

I'm not an expert, so someone else will chime in I am sure. I just want to offer you support and encouragement. You can't beat yourself up. None of us are perfect, except Jesus, and you're not Him. ;) When I blow up like that I just try to remember "He's still workin' on me". This is one reason I am going back to therapy - I just rage sometimes and God help who ever is in my path. I have 3 children (2,6, 10) and sometimes when I rage I see their faces - and it terrifies me. It's nothing they should have to deal with. I hope you will find some one to talk to as well, and also realize that you're not perfect. (If you were you wouldn't be 100% disabled vet, right? and you could walk on water.) ;) Good luck to you, and know you have much support here.

[john999]

Well, you did not hurt anyone nor get thrown in jail. Feeling like killing someone and doing it are very different. I know the feeling like you want someone to pay for all your suffering.

[Pete53]

Believe it or not you really did well. Hang in there.

[cooter]

Isn't it fabulous to be able to go somewhere (here) and let out your feelings, and in return, being answered by other Vets who really care about you. I personally couldn't ask for a better place than Hadit!

Coot

[maset22]

Thanks AFM, your encouraging words are just that, and I appreciate them. I am still in therapy, but it seems so far and in between, one strange things I notice is I call the police to kind of asking for some help, it only seems that they were just looking for the fire to get started, I just took a benc and cry like a baby, then someone gave me some tickets wich I paid for, then I left to a store. To do a good deed a friend thought me just the other day. Thanks AFM MEDIC, you also made me laugh

John, yeah, but then I fealt like a jerk cause no one owes me nothing, but that feelings to hurt was there, just because I guess I was hurting, I am going to look for a hammock and lay in my yard, I feel much better in my control environment, this site is like journing, it also bring some peace, that is Cause you guys. A band of sisters and brothers, picking up rafters down the road. Thanks all.

[midnight340]

Man, I know what it's like when something just feels "wrong" and it pisses you off.

You've seen things that a lot of people don't have to. And you have some real stored up anger about that... but the most important thing is that you know this. You knew enough to realize what happened, and you knew it wasn't really that woman's fault. That is a big success right there. And checking in here with other people who understand is the right thing.

Be good to your self and your loved ones. You are not alone.