hypertension Disability Increase - Don't Want To Work

[Pamela]

I apologize in advance for being all over the place. The short version of my story is that I am SC (80%)

Bipolar(50%)

Hypertension(30%)

Headaches(10%)

Back(10%)

Neck(10%)

Bunionectomy left foot (10%)

bunionectomy right foot (10%)

Parotidectomy (10%)

Scar(0%)

I think this is all and if not I know I am 80%. I have a C&P appointment for an increase in several (migraines, back, neck) and some new ones (tinnitus -worked on flight line but never claimed it, IBS or GERD - due to the bipolar and depression)

I am a 29 yr old vet have recently suffered a loss of my newborn, Elijah James Barker before birth at 39 weeks 3 days and have been an emotional wreck since then. His due date was Christmas day and he was born 3 days before. I have been advised not to drive because I envision running into trees. (I have ended up in ICU before for overdosing after divorce. I called the suicide hotline and have been going to classes but I don't know if anything can help how I feel. I work in a hospital and one of the girls that i worked with was due 3 weeks after me. I dont like being in hospitals or around pregnant people and though i know i have to move on with my life (everyone else has seemed to) I don't know how I can. I know I can't stay like this forever but I feel I'm being forced into doing things I'm not ready for. I'd rather take it at my own pace but don't think I'd be able to keep my job. And everyday life is hard as well. It's even hard for me to be around my 9 year old son with developmental delay and ADHD and give him the support that he needs at times. I don't go to places where i know an abundance of babies will be and if i go to a grocery store will avoid going down aisles if there is someone pregnant or with a baby. I have breakdowns a lot and other times i feel numb and i just want my baby. I hate going outside because I feel like no one understands (of course they dont because i look like everyone else in the world, normal. but i feel far from that)

I need to work to support my family but I don't have the motivation or energy anymore. And I detest going back to work because my coworker's baby is fine (Im guessing because I haven't talked to or seen her, and she has been respectful and not posted anything online about it but i know she delivered her baby and got to take him home, instead of taking home a box of clothes and pics.) I also dont want to have to be in a hospital where I will be around babies and pregnant people. I don't even know why I'm writing anymore. Oh, because I cannot concentrate on anything and wonder how to go about this exam. Exclude this information from the doctor or tell him. Should i go back to work? Does this even warrant not going to work? i dont know.

Everyone says time. it will take time. How much time? I dont think any amount of time will make this better. I dont know if it is because it's so fresh. I feel more comfortable at home in my own surroundings with my husband. I dont know anymore and this has turned out to be longer than I expected.

Thank you for your help.

[MRRRR5]

My prayer goes out to you for your loss and I hope you are getting the support and help you need to deal with your pain.