ptsd I'm Not Worthy

[coastie72]

I turned 64 a few weeks ago, after over 40 years I finally gave in and asked for help with my hearing loss and tinnitus. I was awarded 10% SC for tinnitus and 0% for hearing.

I always had both conditions since leaving the USCG in 1972. Neither was as bad as it is now, especially the tinnitus which is really bad.

I always felt I was undeserving when I look around at what other vets have gone through.

A few weeks ago I contacted the vet crisis line and just unloading all that was pent up inside of me. I had mentioned how depressing and aggravating the tinnitus was to my DAV VSO. I also mentioned thoughts of suicide and recurring nightmares. At that time he suggested we do a claim secondary to tinnitus for depression. My personal Dr. gave me a nexus. My VSO didn't realize like most people how messed up I really am so that was the way we were going.

I spent over two hours chatting and on the phone with the Crisis Line people on Oct. 11th. The lady was very nice and after answering a zillion questions and insuring me I could get help she said that my dreams that also just pop up during the daytime hours are stressors and that I most likely have PTSD along with other issues. My talk with her that day made me feel better and she very well might have saved my life.

She gave me a list of phone numbers to call including the local Vet Center. Today I needed to talk to someone again, so I called the vet center. I spoke with another nice lady that listened to my story and she too said, likely PTSD..........I did not every know until a few months ago that you could have PTSD without combat.

So as we spoke and she calmed me down, I asked her if they had after hours counseling or groups ET. She said yes we do, but ONLY for combat veterans..... That took me back to square one for this day.

I see the VA MH next week, and then I go from there..........I'm beginning to believe what I always thought.... I am not worthy!!!!! I wish I had never started this process! God Help me!

[carlie]

Oh yeah ol'e Waylon RIP,

Coastie72

you went for your exams few days ago or to your Dr...how did that go?

and are you currently 10% for your tinnitus?

carlie mention that that (tinnitus) can be secondary to a mental condition...if you have PTSD or some other mental disorder the Docs should tell you that...that's your reasons your having night mares and not sleeping and just having a hard time with life itself...if you can get SC for this file for in increase....I know you would rather not have tinnitus me either but we don't really have a cholce so why not get compensated for all your sufferin my friend!

Nope - carlie did not mention that tinnitus can be secondary to a mental condition -

carlie did mentioned that a mental condition could be secondary to tinnitus.

"As for depression due to Tinnitus - that is a secondary condition and can be SC'd

as secondary, of course it would need credible and probative medical evidence

to prevail."

[coastie72]

Nope - carlie did not mention that tinnitus can be secondary to a mental condition -

carlie did mentioned that a mental condition could be secondary to tinnitus.

"As for depression due to Tinnitus - that is a secondary condition and can be SC'd

as secondary, of course it would need credible and probative medical evidence

to prevail."

I understood what you had said Carlie. The depression is there and the tinnitus is too. The sad part is I know that they can't fix the tinnitus. It has been there since the 1970's but the volume if you will, has more than tripled in the past decade.

You guy's tell me that I am worthy, but I have a hard time feeling that way about anything including life its self.

I've carried the recurrent dreams, the panic attacks, the crap I have put my wife of 46 years through. If not for her I would have been gone. I am an honest man, but a screwed up one that does my very best to hide all of this from coworkers, customers and even some of my family. I no longer know what happiness is. The only time I feel some that way is around my wife and immediate family, and not all of them.

Now I wish I had sought help many years ago. I never even knew that the recurrent dreams that haunt me, even in daytime when the thoughts and memories just appear out of no where is something I could go to the VA for to seek help. Now I am at a place that not a day passes that suicide does not enter my mind. If I had sought help 10,20,30 40 years ago I might not as bad off.

Carlie thank you for all you do and God Bless.

[john999]

Those feelings of being unworthy are part of depression and PTSD. It is a vicious circle. Vets have PTSD/depression. They feel bad. They attempt to bury their feelings or numb them via alcohol or drugs often. This creates bigger problem. Denial does not work because the feelings work their way into your body and into dreams and life.

[Pete53]

I have had 2 heart attacks going back to 2008. They tell me that they were silent heart attacks and I am ok now. Have lost over 55 lbs still need to drop another 40. Pretty good shape all things considered. I also got a stent in right anterior artery it was 90% blocked.

I found that the VA almost does nothing unless you demand it. I hope that you advocate for yourself and if you have other insurance you may want to double check what VA tells you.

Good luck and our condition is very treatable. I am pretty sure that if I had not been aggressive treating my condition I would not be here today.

[carlie]

I understood what you had said Carlie. The depression is there and the tinnitus is too. The sad part is I know that they can't fix the tinnitus. It has been there since the 1970's but the volume if you will, has more than tripled in the past decade.

You guy's tell me that I am worthy, but I have a hard time feeling that way about anything including life its self.

I've carried the recurrent dreams, the panic attacks, the crap I have put my wife of 46 years through. If not for her I would have been gone. I am an honest man, but a screwed up one that does my very best to hide all of this from coworkers, customers and even some of my family. I no longer know what happiness is. The only time I feel some that way is around my wife and immediate family, and not all of them.

Now I wish I had sought help many years ago. I never even knew that the recurrent dreams that haunt me, even in daytime when the thoughts and memories just appear out of no where is something I could go to the VA for to seek help. Now I am at a place that not a day passes that suicide does not enter my mind. If I had sought help 10,20,30 40 years ago I might not as bad off.

Carlie thank you for all you do and God Bless.

Coastie - only answer a little if you feel comfortable.

What do you think is the cause of your recurrent dreams and panic attacks ?

As military veterans, most of us here are real familiar with manning / womaning up for

years, even decades - like absolutely nothing is wrong with us - we can push through anything and

everything.

The military environment drills this into every member worth their salt.

So please don't feel alone on that.

[coastie72]

Coastie - only answer a little if you feel comfortable.

What do you think is the cause of your recurrent dreams and panic attacks ?

As military veterans, most of us here are real familiar with manning / womaning up for

years, even decades - like absolutely nothing is wrong with us - we can push through anything and

everything.

The military environment drills this into every member worth their salt.

So please don't feel alone on that.

The Cause, I guess I'm nuts at least I feel that way about myself. Maybe a year or so, I can't remember exactly, after my discharge I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding, sweat running down my face, feeling very strange, lost, confused. My wife was going to call 911 and I kept telling her no......after an hour or so everything other than a headache started to feel better. A few days later a similar thing happened while I was at work, I felt like I just wanted to run, hide under a counter, be home! I ended up in a stall in the restroom. I went to see my Dr. and he had me checked out EKG, some other tests and later told me he thought I was having panic attacks. Through the next 20+ years I battled with them with the help of valium. They got better through the years but have never completely left me. My Dr. kept telling me early on that I should just recognize when they started and talk myself out of them. In the last 20 tears I do pretty well talking my way through them, but sometimes it happens to quick. No one knew of this except my Dr. and my wife, I have kept it hidden and that has been terribly hard to do at times.

During my 4 years of active duty in the Coast Guard I was involved in probably a hundred or so SAR calls, (Search And Rescue). Most of them were not stressful with no lost of life. There were numerous exceptions where I fought fire, recovered bodies, performed first aid ET. Although there were quite a few others with death involved, my recurrent dreams are only about 3 specific missions. For whatever reasons I started having dreams about them sometime after the panic attacks started. I was ashamed to tell anyone about them including my wife until recent years when I have told a handful of people. When I was younger the battle was much easier. Since then I have developed, gout, diabetes, insomnia, I use a BiPap, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and sinus issues that stay with me almost always. I have stomach issue that I take over the Previcid for. Then there is the TINNITUS, the never ending always screaming in my head.

So that is the way I live, or try too, and I have grown extremely tired of it. I am 64, never had a job in my life with more than two weeks vacation, except the USCG and I have been working fulltime since I was15. Physically and mentally I wish I could have retired years ago, but that ain't happening. I'll be working until my toes turn up.

God Bless all my Brothers and Sister.

Edited November 4, 2014 by coastie72